The Elle And Ryan Blog

I have moved.

2008-11-24T13:20:00.002+09:00

My new blog address will be at http://thetragicmagic.blogspot.com
At first, it was just me.
Then, it was Elle and Ry.
And now, you have us, and Jacob too :)

Cya on The King, The Queen And The Anarchist.

Alaine. Once more?

2008-11-17T14:43:00.002+09:00

And so, I've been quite pissed off with my friends for various reasons, which is surprising considering they're part of the few closest people I have in poly (since I see their fat asses everyday).

I don't know, I feel under-appreciated, sickly and icky.

Well I know I'm biting off more than I can chew, what with my huge workload and all, but couldn't you guys be more understanding? You're my friends. You of all people should be more understanding.

I have many commitments because my portfolio has- no, must be awesome because my grades can't cut it and I need the something extra, and my workload is of ALOT OF IMPORTANCE compared to the other shit you guys are involved in so just shut. up.

I am tackling so much compared to all of you put together so STOP BEING CONDESCENDING.

And stop trying to be me.

ME

- the one who speaks uncomfortable truths when needed
- the impersonal one
- the one who separates work and personal life
- the one you think is bitchy.

I AM NOT BITCHY.

Just because I can be painfully blunt, just because I am not afraid of what people who don't matter think of me, IT DOES NOT MEAN I AM A BITCH.

For your information, I don't bitch about the friends in my clique.

Ahem.

YES. I don't. I don't like having secrets from each other, AND YOU KNOW WHAT?

I don't like being rude and I don't like having to listen to most of your crap.
And then I feel bad when I'm talking to the other party.

SO STUPID.

You guys are now cranky FOR NO VALID REASON, snapping so easily.

People are afraid I'd snap just because I snapped once. IT DOES NOT MAKE IT COOL OR ACCEPTABLE FOR YOU TO SNAP EASILY, because I have fucking high tolerance level for all of you so you damn well SUCK IT UP. You guys are rude, because yes, Khalisah is impersonal, she takes things with a pinch of salt, STILL, IT DOESNT HURT FOR YOU TO BE NICE.

When I tell you that you have to look out for yourself, I did not say step on other people to move up.

Just because, I'm alright now, and have relatively nobody to be angry with, you call me an "angel"? I'm trying to be an angel now? Bullshit.

Stop overdoing the vulgarity, stop overdoing everything I do, STOP IT.

Fucking annoying.

I do not want to waste money seeing a doc regarding my sleeping disorder, lethargy, stuttering heart and breathlessness. I am late for class everyday SO WHAT? HOW IS IT YOUR PROBLEM? DOESNT AFFECT YOU DOES IT?

Sure I forgot that I had to bring my laptop for you guys when I agreed I would BUT I WAS SICK THAT DAY AND I HAVE BEEN BRINGING MY LAPTOP FOR YOU EVERYDAY ANYWAY. Is one day such a big deal? You complain that I don't do any work, because the work is for 2 persons and I am the 3rd person in the group? So whatever really, I cannot be bothered anymore and I needed a rant so badly because I havent had time to blog at all. So this rant is a belated rant BUT WHATEVER.

I feel better now.

On Sat, after debate Interpoly's (I missed the finals because) I went to JB, M'sia for wedding prep shopping and visited my grands, of which I AM WORRIED FOR THEM because I think, they're ill, but keeping quiet about it.

Granddad can't see. I don't think he can drive anymore, he shouldn't really. He couldn't even spray insecticide into the hole in the gate properly... he missed, and he drives on the line and sways, UGH SO DANGEROUS. I should tell my aunts about this.

Red Camp is in 2 days, I'll miss school for that, meh, but woo.
Lmao.

OH I got a new shawl :) Pretty. I need shoes. And my battery is dying..

And I still havent created the party blog yet :(

Where did my time go :(

-13928
I don't need a break, I need a freaking holiday.

elle and the other elle.

2008-11-10T01:14:00.004+09:00

the other elle.

broke the rules.

lied.

did something.

and something.

and something.

and fuck yeah something.

elle.

fucking busy.

has a lot to say.

but does not have time to blog.

me.

ryan.

is helping her out.

awesome shnitzle pop.

period.

And so I turned and said,"Excuse me but I think the guy in front of me is a perv."

2008-11-07T01:20:00.004+09:00

I was on my way home one evening. I boarded the train at Dover MRT station. I sat down.

This cute guy entered the train a coupla stations later, and sat next to me.

WHEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEE!

Anyway.

Suddenly, this weird looking guy in some maroon-ish clothes that looked like some kinda uniform sat in the seat across me. Now, it was a two seater kind seat in the trains, you know? the one near the joints of the train? (If you're in Singapore you'd know -.-)

So that guy, was sitting veerrryyy close to the woman beside him. TOO CLOSE.
He had about five inches of space to his right but noooooo, he squeezed himself as close as possible to her.

In less than a second, I have named him "Perv".

Now, I have encountered several incidents too many to be considered lucky. In fact, I am UNLUCKY because I have been molested thrice, ogled at 6 times, commented on twice, flashed at once, grinded against three times in public transportation vehicles and the ones at the party does not count so I refuse to give a number to that.

Perv then took out his handphone and held it in a peculiar fashion but from my fantastic observational skillz (yeh bebeh) it would allow his handphone camera a nice view of her tits.

I deduce, he is recording her.

Now Perv, shamelessly does this in front of me.
So I gave him my bitch face.
But he stares at me expressionlessly.
Which scares me.
Because,
if I give you a bitch face, indicating that I CAN FUCKING SEE YOU AND KNOW WHAT'S GOING ON (regardless of my experience and expertise in perverts) and you are still thick-skinned enough to return the stare expressionlessly.

You, are a pervert...

...WITH ISSUES.

See, a coward would flinch and try to make it less obvious, or even be deterred from continuing...
but a psycho is a psycho.

And I don't deal with psychos.

Everytime, I'm in a situation with a pervert, I desperately wish, that some kind soul would be looking out for me and witnessing everything just in case, but no. No one ever came to my rescue.

Sad.

So I turned to CuteBoi who was sitting next to me (shuddup, I'll name him whatever I want).

And I said,

"Excuse me, but I think the guy in front of me is a perv."

Cuteboi turned his head and looked me in the eyes.

"Yeah, I realized that."

"THANK GOD, I thought I was the only one freaking out."

"He's sitting too close to her, I noticed."

"Ridiculously close, he has five inches of space next to him. What do you think he's doing with his phone?"

"I think he's recording her."

"That pervert. Which stop are you getting off at?"

"Bedok. Why?"

"I'm gonna alight soon, so could you help me keep a look-out for her? Just in case he does anything."

"Yeah sure no problem. I'm staring at him now."

"Me too, but he's unaffected. Shit. What if he follows me out?"

"Don't worry, if he does, I'll follow you."

"Woah, and you'll end up on the purple line, but thanks."

"It's no problem. Maybe you should go up to her, pretend she's your friend."

"But he'd totally know, caz she'd be all 'huh? who're you?' you know?"

"What if he's innocent?"

"HELLO. I'm a girl. I can spot this from a mile away. And I think this is obvious enough."

"Aiyah..."

We then started discussing ploys and methods as to HOW to get the poor woman outta her position, because we are cowards who have never faced this sorta situation before, so we do not dare confront the pervert.

I watched in sick disgust as Perv glanced at Poor Woman's boobs again.

So badly, did I want to just get up and drag her out but just as I was summoning up the courage to do so (just like how I summoned up the face to talk to CuteBoi) Poor Woman stood up abruptly, and walked to down the aisle and sat somewhere else.

"OMG she's awesome I love her."

"Sigh, finally it's over."

"Do help me watch out for him. In case he starts following either one of us."

"Yup, no problem, I will."

"Okay, it was nice talking to you, I have to go."

"Don't worry, you'll be fine."

"I hope so," I mumbled," and thanks! Byee!"

"Byee," he nods his head.

-13631
I should have done something.

Honestly? I'm quite irritated with everyone.

2008-11-06T13:56:00.004+09:00

I've been too busy to blog, no surprises there. I'm so tired really, Interpoly's this Saturday, And And And I am SO NOT READY can?

fuck la.

Oh well what to do.

Everyone around me is changing, and I'm changing too but not significantly, actually, I lied, very significantly indeed.
I feel like I've just entered a very ugly world, where nobody bothers being nice for the sake of being nice. An ugly ugly world. The issue with my parents remain unresolved. As always. But that's nothing new either.

I've turned into a social butterfly, like seriously, and I kinda like it but, I'm starting to want to distance myself with my clique for... various reasons.

YOU KNOW WHAT?
I'm just gonna come out and say it.

I don't care if this is gonna cause tensions.

I DONT CARE.

(Is this the right thing to do?)

Wait, lemme have a mental debate with myself before I come out and say it.
And I need to think how I'm going about to address this new issue of mine too.

I'll blog about the cute guy and the perv later.
Party post will be on a secret blog (yes, another one) of which you will have to personally ask me for it, and I will decide if I wanna give you the link (I am not afraid to say no to your fat face so no offence if I do, it's just me and my privacy issues) Ryan is automatically in :D I miss you, poopy.

*please hold on a moment, as I indulge in my mental debate*
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
*okay please wait till my next post then*

-13618
Whatever people. Whatever.

I did something stupid. Eeek.

2008-10-30T01:21:00.003+09:00

Okay, so we were shopping for Halloween costumes to rent. (I finally picked one out after everyone pressured me into getting it. I hope I still get free admission O_O Maybe I might post pictures of the partay)

And I was trying out this Arabian/ belly dancer set that Sean picked out for me. Sean the idiot wanted me to try out one with pointy boobs wtf, which I obviously violently objected to even touch.

And the dressing rooms were just mini cubicles with full length mirrors covered by a FLIMSY PIECE OF CLOTH, so I was pretty jumpy about my privacy.

When suddenly, one of the very gay salesperson yelled in a singsong voice.

"Excuse meee! I'm coming in!"

He said while he was standing right outside my cubicle.

SO, I shrieked.

And everyone outside laughed and laughed.

And no, he did not come in, I guess he was talking about something else.
Lmao, I am so beyond ridiculous.

-13490
Omg that's really hot.

Blocked you.

2008-10-28T00:34:00.003+09:00

Remember when my classmates were bitching about me for a year? And I didn't do anything about it until Valerie did something really stupid? Valerie insulted my principles. Now, I can revise my principles, I can go against them and beat myself up for it. But you don't insult my principles. Jacob did something stupid. And I don't bear grudges but I'm pissed, so well, fuck yeah I'm not talking to him for a week. Congratulations Jacob. You "pushed my button". Kudos, Mr Profiler. I'm sure I'm a wonderful source of amusement. You can fuck yourself, you son of a bitch.

-13466
Insulting my principles, I'm not that hard to figure out. Probably the asian equivalent to a dumb blond no? You think too highly of yourself. Shameless.

Excuse me while I ruin myself.

2008-10-22T00:42:00.005+08:00

I am sooooo sickkkk of not blogging, I miss blogging like crazyyyy and omg, my blog is so boringgggg. I am going craaaazzyyyyyy.

I thought I couldn't get busier but TADAAAA. I am finding myself so incredibly tired all the time, I sleep anywhere at anytime and fall into deep deep wonderful slumber, blissfully unaware if my head is resting on someone's shoulder. I get tension headaches which makes me irritable and cranky and makes my eyes droop too, I squint and then I fall into another bout of sleep, awesomeness and miss like an entire hour of lecture. HOWWW LIKE THAT???

I haven't been blogging since SL camp, and then a week after that I had Youth Leadership Academy 4 (YLA4) where I was a tribe leader and DAMMIT LA SO TIRED CAN?
And I saw Joshua Wong with AHEM AHEM after the camp, awwwwww ABOUT TIME YOU FAT HOBO. and omg I didn't recognise him because HE WAS SOOOO FAT, YOU FAT FACE :D :D :D

Ryan says the baby looks like it has a boobface. Wtf.
Actually, I think the picture looks quite scary >.>

Yawns yawns yawns everything is starting to clash and overlap again, I'm being pressured on all four sides to turn up for everything OKAY OKAY OKAYYY I'M HERE FOR TRAININGS ALRIGHTTTT I know. I don't wanna be humiliated at Interpolys, ah fuck it.

I haven't chatted on msn in... eons? I don't know, I go online, but I don't use it. Blehhh. I am deprived of sleep, but I come home late all the time and I wake up fucking early for stupid assed practicals BLEHHH

AND I BROKE MY SLIPPER TODAYYYYYY OH NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO

I need a new one asap :(
Hate wearing shoesssss and this is a random blog post to show how I'm dying, all my braincells are used up so none is left for any sanity to be spared for this blog.

Goodbye.

-13388
24 hours in a day IS NOT ENOUGH.

a very very long hiatus

2008-10-21T01:09:00.002+08:00

I HAVE BEEN TOO BUSY. And the doctor says I'm overworked. So I'm on MC. LOLZ. Anyways. Joshua Wong, stop stalking my blog. Look who's the online stalker now. HAH. I lubb ew Jacob Weirdo. No matter how much you deny the sincerity of my limitless love. Ryan I miss you like siao. Why are we such busy people :(

-13386
I get tension headaches. Lolz again.

PMS. Tell me something new.

2008-10-07T19:16:00.009+08:00

Warning: Content may get a little too descriptive.

Okay, I woke up this morning to severe severe cramps, I could feel my womb tearing itself apart and worst of all? I could feel myself leaking. Like something went unplugged in me and blood is trickling out and I NEED TO PLUG MYSELF UP. It's insane. Immediately I tried to get outta bed, but not before doubling over in pain, and I was dripping like fucking dripping, oh lord.

So I got myself plugged and cleaned up, went back to bed to roll around in pain for approximately... 4 hours? Yeah, I popped a Panadol, and you know how much I hate medicine so when I pop one tablet of Panadol? you know it's really bad.

My severe cramps, and heavy bleeding is pretty much a good indicator of how badly I was PMS-ing, so the past few posts, well, it's purely hormonal. Yay, now we know. PMS is retarded really. Men complain that we women are psychotic with our PMS and shiz but seriously, some of us ARE AWARE of this and we ain't happy either. It's not exactly a wonderful experience.

It's like werewolves you know? The villagers they complain and complain about how werewolves are killing farmers once every full moon and destroying their cattle and all, but the werewolves ain't happy about it either! Who the hell would want to turn ugly, howl-y and HAIRY overnight once the full moon is up? Added to the horrible appearance, the transformation is painful, you turn all wild and feral, depending on mostly instincts and your maxed up sense of smell, hearing and night vision doggy eyes.

The up-side about being a werewolf is that you are for one night, super strong and agile, but just for one night. PMSing lasts several days before the period turns up. SEVERAL DAYS PEOPLE, that's torture.
Boys, you have no idea what it's like to be emo for nothing. Emo! For nothing!
Dayum.

When men say,"I will never understand women." Damn right you won't! PMS/ hormones are natural. No man can battle the force of nature. Rawr.

By the way, you guys should check this out.

Living My Life Faster - 8 years of JK's Daily Photo Project from c71123 on Vimeo.

Stumbled upon JK Keller's site and he has this really cool project going on. It's something cool to leave behind when you're old. You can watch yourself age. Zomg. And JK Keller looks good in some parts and a complete hobo in other. Ah life. Awesome project, dude.

Okay so, I checked up my blog for tags today and I saw my Nuffnang poll on the side bar.

It says 40% dudes and 59% babes.
1% who?

Err maybe it's suggesting I have homos, gays, transvestites, trannies, plants and animals reading my blog. Maybe aliens too. Awesome shit people, welcome! I'm not homophobic and I promise I won't judge you whatever you are, so don't judge me too.

Crazy glitch there.
>.>

I'll be going for a camp in school tomorrow so I won't have my laptop with me to update or anything, and after camp, I think I'm staying over at my aunt's house to help prepare the wedding invitation cards for BBZ's wedding (my youngest aunt) so yeah, hiatus for several days. Oh don't worry, you won't miss me, I take many long hiatuses before this anyway.

I guess I'll have to blog about the Habbo incident now. Which I am still too lazy to do so I'll post up a few screenshots, upload everything somewhere else and you can check it out on your own.

The Habbo Incident is an idea Jacob the sadist had from this article, which proved to be a great read so do click the link and read it, seriously, CLICK IT NOW.

So, me and Jacob each created a Habbo character. Being Muslim and all, I thought it'd be really funny to be a JI terrorist. I'm kidding, I'm not a terrorist, IT'S A JOKE OKAY? NO ARRESTING NEEDED.

This is my terrorist.

Yup, my screenname was iKillYouAndYou inspired by Achmed the dead terrorist. Don't know who that is? Google it or search it on Youtube. Like-a-duh.

Click on the pictures to enlarge.

My motto: I am a terrorist. Be afraid.

We're terrorists. We don't use stealth. We use creepy.

Jacob having a dance off with another random Paperbag Dude.

What can I say...

Jacob ordering some drinks.

Okay NO MORE for today, there're lots more idiotic stuff, but I can't be bothered to upload more. It' hilarious, idiotic and insane. And we learnt that majority of the people on Habbo are delusional, weird, and 14 years old.
Aha!

I'll post more later maybe.

Jacob's an idiot.

-13184
You. Are. Ridiculous.

You learn to let go.

2008-10-06T19:10:00.010+08:00

It's hard to see the bigger picture, when you're stuck in a small narrow rut. You can't really see far and wide, not the way you can from the top of a building.

I can be many things. I can be sociable, but other times reserved. I can be extroverted, and other times introverted. I can be responsible, and other times lazy. I can be too nice so I suck it up, but I can be a total bitch and scare people. I can be spiritual, but I'm also open-minded. I can be mature, but annoyingly childish. I can be deep, but other times shallow and ignorant.

I can be many things.

But I am just one person. I must remember that. I am not 2 or 3 or 8653426 different persons in one body.

I am just one person.

I can pretend, and lie, and be phony to everyone else, but not myself. There are many many different pieces that I want, but I only have two arms. There is only how much I can hold. There are things you can suck up and ignore, and there are times when you have to learn to let go.

I've been ignoring, sucking up, and running away from things all my life. It must be running in the family because this issue, is being ignored. It frustrates me, I attempt doing something about it, but I never go all the way. My parents ignore it, and hope it goes away. I do the same, and hope it goes away too, with a slightly different outcome then what they want.

I avoid problems, complications. If faced one, I'd run away from it. When I have issues at home, I drown myself in school work, the less time at home, the better. When a teacher or someone in authority disses me, I ignore it. When anyone for that matter, bitches about me, I mostly ignore it. Perhaps it may get too far and I might actually react to it, but other than that, I mostly ignore. When a guy who likes me confesses to me, I literally, and I mean literally ran to the back of the bus with disregard to how rude I was being. I still think it's funny whenever I look back.

I must try to stop doing that. This issue... I have. I'll not suck it up. I'll let it go. I'll try to let it go. It must not be hovering at the back of my mind everyday. I can't be a time bomb ticking, waiting to explode at the slightest trigger. I cannot resent it. I cannot... tolerate it. I have to- ew but I have to accept it? And I can't promise anything but I promise to try at least. Being on the edge all the time, and just so close to exploding, it's taking a toll on my body. School is starting in a week so I can't have that. My planner is by my side once again because without it I am lost, YOU CANNOT TAKE MY PLANNER AWAY FROM ME, everything but my planner.

The Hari Raya chaos will be over soon, without my planner, I have been missing out things, like the AMBS group outing and debate trainings to help out at home to cook for visitors and mass cooking for a large number of people is A PAIN IN THE ASS, I cannot foresee myself doing the same in future, what a scary thought indeed.

I am hating my handphone so much right now. Fucking Nokia 6500S I HATE YOU! And I hate you Starhub eventhough you have an awesome plan going on with unlimited free smses and all. My phone has been spazzing on me, all those damn glitches and Starhub is fucking up, I am receiving texts several days after they are sent, and they come in spams, like one morning, I woke up to my phone going off nonstop due to 4,5,6, no 7 smses coming in at the same time, and looking at the date and time I realised it was sent 4 days ago, which is pointless in me replying because IT WAS SO BLOODY LONG AGO.

...ridiculous.

Speaking of spasms, I guess I have been spasming too. You see my random twitches on my blog, one minute I'm fine, the next minute I'm in hysterics, then I'm all at peace with myself again and suddenly I go apeshit. Sigh. Sorrryyy.

My phone also deleted about 700 smses in my inbox and 1000+ smses in my Sent Messages box AND 2 messages in my Saved Messages box, so I lost all of Jacob's valuable advice in my inbox, Cass's and Ryan's smses of encouragement in my inbox, all of my sent messages, and 2 addresses in my Saved Messages box.

Told you. My phone is going apeshit on me.

I wanted to post a few quotes of Jacob but now I can't recall the exact words and I hate it when that happens. Stupid phone. But Jacob's words did hit a nerve, which is why sometimes I can't bring myself to reply him because there isn't anything I could possibly say. However, while chatting with Ry, he brought up something... very painful.

He mentioned me being a 3rd elle. Because the 1st elle was the annoying childish one from way way back, we were at each other's throats all the time. The 2nd was when I started growing up, and Ryan liked the 2nd one, and he's just okay with the 3rd one, which is the current me, which also was surprising because I had no idea I've turned into a 3rd elle.

So I asked him what was the difference between the 2nd and the 3rd elle.
This is what he said.

(12:47 AM) Ryan: yes i want the 2nd elle back
(12:48 AM) Me : i dont know how that feels like anymore
(12:51 AM) Ryan: the one who knew what exactly she wanted in life. the one who was always unsure of herself. the one who laughed a lot. the one who stuck to her own rules and not what everyone's trying to be or doing and you know just the 2nd elle. the one i miss talking to

It broke my heart. Because I can't recognize myself anymore and I am the opposite of those things, and my principles? Well I even threw that away. So I'm sorry, but I'm trying. My Ben and Jerry's may possibly know me better than I do and thank you for that, I APPRECIATE YOU REALLY I DO, and I love yous loads, even though I don't show it much and don't like to. And gaming is an unhealthy reprieve from the madness of it all but it is a hell lot of fun. I'm so good, I pwned Todd's ass :D But he's in army so he couldn't get as much practice as I did but still :D And I'm ranked sergeant now :D And I ultra killed twice :D I have yet to reach Unbelievable but, ah, maybe it's not a good thing >.>

Oh and I went to Huda's house recently for Hari Raya, with everyone else who're in the Saturday nights' religious class, it was fun, and nice, and she baked a hell lot of stuff O_O Her mama's food was awesome, seriously, it was probably one of the best things I've ever tasted, and I don't say these things easily, the rice and beef especially, BUT I'm hooked on the funky brownies.

I SWEAR it tastes SO WEIRD.

It's like sweet, and then suddenly sour-ish from the raisins that are also too sweet too and suddenly chocolate-y and cake-y and brownie-ish and suddenly crunchy almond-y and suddenly chewy and omg I didn't quite like it at first bite, I thought it tasted weird and basically too damn funky.

They packed some brownies home for us, and umm, Mum put it outside in a container for the guests to eat but I ended up eating like 75% of it >.> Everytime I watch TV, my fingers itch out to grab some.

Weird, I tell you.

And well, I can't be her, because that's who my mum wants me to be, but I can't be her and I'm sorry, I wished I could and be happy but I can't because I'm me with my many flaws, dysfunctional brain, mild random occurrence of OCD, temperamental, moody, dramatic and to sum it up, psychotic. But I can't be her, though I admire her for who she is and what she's capable of.

But I'm taking it slow, one step at a time, no overnight transformation to amaze everyone, but one baby step at a time. And maybe next Raya I wanna try out my baking skillz bebeh.

And Jacob, I know you've been stalking my blog as usual, but CAN YOU PLEASE WAIT? I am too lazy to post the Habbo pictures up, because there're like 38 screenshots of your trolling and harassment of innocent 14 year-old American kids. I will edit them, crop them and post up a few for you guys to laugh at. Geez Jacob, you troll.
Thank you anyways. You don't need ketupats. Your paperbag blocks your mouth anyway.

-13168
And then somehow, improbably, and when you least expect it, the world rights itself again.
-Grey's Anatomy

Everyday, I try a little harder.

2008-10-05T00:50:00.002+08:00

WHY?

WHY DO YOU MAKE IT SO HARD FOR ME?

I know, I sound whiny, unappreciative, and just another angsty teenage shit.

But.

I cannot.

Live with this.

A part of me is dying everyday.

I hate smiling.

I hate laughing.

I try too hard.

But I'm not me.

I wanna be me. Please, not the person you want me to be.

I try soooo hard not to hate you. I gave you a quarter of my tuition salary each to both of you.
Out of duty.
I tried to inject love in it, but I'm sorry, it's mostly duty. Because when the time comes, where I turn 21, I will rent an apartment, and I will not stay with you anymore, because I am this close to contemplating an escape.

Surprisingly, I don't feel the pinch of having half my measly salary gone, because I know I owe you more than that. And it all boils down to duty. Because anger, frustration, resentment, corroded all the love away. I'm sorry.

But it really is your fault.

You don't know when to let go.
So I will do it.
It will hurt you.
Deeply.

But I stopped caring quite sometime ago.

You may tell me, with disgust colouring your voice, that kids are so stupid to want to rent an apartment, when it's so much cheaper to stay in their own house, and give their parents money. Oh what a wonderful filial daughter you are, Mum.

You amaze me all the time with your ridiculous shameless self-praise.
When you were young, you were NEVER disrespectful to your mother, you help out in EVERYTHING, you were never lazy, you were sooooo hardworking you memorised EVERYTHING and LOOOOVE studying, you didn't do well because you had no money for tuition, no one to help you, you gave money to your parents eventhough you live with them, sort of like a rent payment for staying with them WOW MUM YOU ARE SO FUCKING AMAZING WHY DOESNT EVERYONE JUST LOVEEE FUCKING LOVEEE YOU HUHH???

This is the period of time, where I am searching me, searching myself, who am I? Where do I wanna go in life? How do I plan my route? I learn to be independent, it's a natural process but YOU ARE STUNTING MY PROGRESS GODDAMMIT.

YOU CANNOT CONTROL ME.

I'M TIRED OF PRETENDING TO BE GOOD PRETENDING TO LISTEN WHEN ALL I WANNA DO IS THROW A TANTRUM AND STOMP MY FEEET I AM SO SO SO SICK AND TIRED OF BEING IN THIS SHITHOLE FOR THE PAST SADD PATHETIC 18 YEARS OF MY LIFE.

I do not wanna be the Muslim you think I can automatically TRANSFORM overnight just because I have been shape-shifting to be the appropriate daughter you'd like for the past decade.

You crazy muslim fanatics. You CRAZY CRAZY CRAZY INSANE DEMENTED MUSLIM FANATICS.

Just because YOU HAVE BEEN FUCKING ENLIGHTENED doesnt mean you FORCE PEOPLE TO DO THE SAME.

Mum you have gotten to the point where I feel like throttling you everytime you open your mouth. Dad, you turned into Mum. You never nag. Now you do. Now, you don't make any sense at all. Just like her. But wait, you never really did anyway. But it's gotten worse. My artery cannot take it. My heart, my brain, my soul, cannot be dictated.

I thought parents would be happy to know that their child is independent enough to know how to survive the harsh cruelties of the world without them having to protect them all the time. They would be happy for their child to grow up strong and smart.

You don't need a daughter, you want a slave, a doll, a puppet.

Religion should be a choice, a commitment you make progress at your own time, at your own pace. Where one day, insya'allah (by God's will), you would repent, as malays would use the word 'bertaubat' and pay penance for your previous sins, hopefully, it'll come early in life and not too late(death) but STILL, it is something that should be taken at your own pace and time.

It is out of the goodness and sincerity of your heart that you seek whatever from God, be it forgiveness, protection, repentance, peace of heart, mind, soul, here in this life, or after.

It should not be forced.

Anwar said once in his class,

If your child doesn't obey the rules in Islam, punish him. If your child is already above 15 and still doesn't obey, don't punish him. All you can do at this point, is give advice, for doing any more than that, might just push him away from Islam.

You are pushing me away from Islam.

-13145
How can I be adult and rational, when you are childish, unreasonable, irrational and totally deranged?

10.

2008-10-02T00:40:00.000+08:00

Its october.

and.

I'm running out of time.

:D :D :D

2008-09-30T23:07:00.004+08:00

YESSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSS.

HAPPPINNNNESSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSS.

FINAAAAAAAAAAAAAAALLLLYYY.

:D :D :D :D :D :D :D :D

WOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO.

Guess who's back. Back again.

2008-09-28T14:02:00.004+08:00

I have decided that it is extremely unproductive to be emo, THEREFORE, I shall try my damnedest not to be. Happiness is a state of mind, people. SAY IT WITH ME! Happiness is a state of minddddd.

I've also decided to stop destroying my blog the way I self destruct, because this blog has done nothing but help me psychologically/ mentally/ whatever and it deserves some RESPECT MANZ. It is of course a battle waged everyday with myself, internally and externally because my family is like that, crazy, nonsensical, and built on a foundation of no logic at all, quite the opposite in fact.

While that may be the case, it's no reason for me to be such a wuss.
Remember, ksah.

MONEY not equals to HAPPINESS.

I shall succeed in ways that are FOOD FOR THE SOUL, and sufficient money is, well.. sufficient. Unless I'm lucky enough to snag a rich dude and be a tai tai, but SUCCESS IS ATTAINING MUCH FOOD FOR THE SOULLLLL, much advice to be remembered here, people.

In case you're wondering, the picture above is not drawn by me (oh puh-lease, the insult if you were thinking that!) It's drawn by this really adorable kid in my Saturday night religious classes. She drew me on her brand new whiteboard, bestowing me such honour really. Then, she wanted to draw some more but there! was! no! space! Because my fat face had already eaten up so much space, so thus, she was in much dilemma.

And me, being sooooo brilliant, suggested that I could take a photo of it with my newbututterlyuselesspainintheass handphone's camera. She lit up in joy at having her art being finally immortal. Every week, she'd come to me and tell me to show her the picture on my handphone while she marvel at her artistic brilliance. Then she would carry my phone around and show off her art work to anyone who would look- her mother- receive praises and positively glowing after that, much to my utmost distress at her little hands handling my already dysfunctional new phone.

And I must say, she could be the next Da Vinci because look! The drawing looks EXACTLY like me. My face is as round as the moon and my facial features too small for my fat face. What did I say? EXACTLY LIKE ME I TELL YOU.
She has a weird way of drawing my tudung, but it's okay, the only flaw was that I swear I wasn't wearing any floral printed dress drawn in the picture.
That dress was PURELY FICTIONAL.

Before I end off, I'd like to thank all my wonderful friends who actually bother to read this blog and be updated about my insignificant life(or maybe just for entertainment since I'm suchhh a joke) and THANK YOUUUS for the well wishes and concern over my mental health, I love yous, you know who you are. If you're going through shit, don't hesitate to look me up caz I'll never turn you away and I probably won't be of much help but you can laugh at me, I'm sure it'll make you feel at least marginally better :)

SHOUT OUTS
- Good luck for A's JC freaks!!
- Speedy recoveryyyy Raymond! :D
- Good luck on your 300 burps application shiz, Ryyy!
- I miss you, people who are overseas!
- Thank you, Cass <3
- Thank you, Jacob :)

-12996
Who kicked a hole in the sky so the heavens would cry over me?

For those who understand.

2008-09-27T22:18:00.001+08:00

It's very hard not to hate my own mother.

-12986
Condition Critical.

Highlight Sentences Which Are Relevant To You

2008-09-24T16:22:00.006+08:00

I'm sick of being emo and I'm sick of gaming and I'm sick of being antisocial and I'm sick of being sick SO!
I shall get over it right about... now.

YAY!

Haha, I'm moody. Awesomee. And now I'm bored so, I shall do this thing I stole off Asyraff's blog.

I will highlight sentences which are relevant to me in red and bold it.
Comments will be in red and in italics.

HERE GOES!

I am 5'4" or shorter.
I think I'm ugly.
I tan easily.
I wish my hair was a different color.
I have friends who have never seen my natural hair color.
I have a tattoo.
I am self-conscious about my appearance.
I have/I've had braces.
I wear glasses sometimes.
I'd get plastic surgery if it were 100% safe, free, scar-free.
I've been told I'm attractive by a complete stranger. (because I attract weirdos)
I have more than 2 piercings. (I have no piercings at all zomg)
I have piercings in places besides my ears.
I have freckles.

Family/Home life
I've sworn at my parents.
I've been kicked out of the house.
My biological parents are together.
I have a sibling less than one year old.
I want to have kids someday.
I have children.
I've lost a child.

Embarrassment
I've slipped out a "lol" in a spoken conversation.
Disney movies still make me cry.
I've snorted while laughing.
I've laughed so hard I've cried.
I've glued my hand to something.
I've laughed till some kind of beverage came out of my nose.
I've had my pants rip in public.

Health
I was born with a disease/impairment.(I have OCD! I think. And probably several mental issues)
I've had stitches.
I've broken a bone.
I've had my tonsils removed.
I've sat in a doctor's office with a friend.
I've had my wisdom teeth removed.
I had a serious surgery.
I've had chicken pox.

Travelling
I've driven over 200 miles in one day.
I've been on a plane.
I've been to Canada.
I've been to Niagara Falls.
I've been to Japan.
I've Celebrated Mardi Gras in New Orleans.
I've been to Europe.
I've been to Africa.
I've been to France.
(this is admittedly quite sad.)

Experiences
I've been lost in my city.
I've seen a shooting star.
I've wished on a shooting star.
I've seen a meteor shower.
I've gone out in public in my pajamas.
I've pushed all the buttons on an elevator.
I've been to a casino.
I've been skydiving.
I've gone skinny dipping.
I've played spin the bottle.
I've crashed a car.
I've been skiing.
I've been in a play.
I've met someone in person from the internet.
I've caught a snowflake on my tongue.
I've seen the Northern Lights.(I want to :S)
I've sat on a roof top at night.
I've played chicken.
I've played a prank on someone.
I've ridden in a taxi.
I've seen the Rocky Horror Picture Show.
I've eaten Sushi.
I've been snowboarding.

Relationships
I'm single.
I'm in a relationship.
I'm available.
I'm engaged.
I'm married.
I've gone on a blind date.
I've been the dumpee more than the dumper.
I miss someone right now.
I have a fear of abandonment. (that's why I dump you first)
I've been divorced.
I've had feelings for someone who didn't have them back.
I've told someone I loved them when I didn't.
I've told someone I didn't love them when I did.
I've kept something from a past relationship.

Sexuality
I've had a crush on someone of the same gender.
I've kissed a member of the same gender.(a peck on the cheek)
I've had sex with someone of the opposite gender.(as if I would ever tell yous)
I've had sex with someone of the same gender.
I've had sex with more than one person at the same time.
I am a cuddler.
I've been kissed in the rain.
I've had sex outdoors.
I've hugged a stranger.
I have kissed a stranger.
I have had sex with a stranger.

Honesty/Crime
I've done something I promised someone else I wouldn't.
I've done something I promised myself I wouldn't.
I have lied to my parents about where I am.
I am keeping a secret from the world.
I've cheated while playing a game.
I've cheated on a test.
I've run a red light.
I've been suspended from school.
I've witnessed a crime.(and didn't do anything about it)
I've been in a fist fight.
I've been arrested.
I've shoplifted.

Drugs/Alcohol
I've consumed alcohol. (extremely diluted)
I smoke cigarettes.
I smoke pot.
I regularly drink.
I've taken painkillers when I didn't need them.
I've done hard drugs.
I've been addicted to an illegal substance.
I take cough meds when I'm not sick.
I can't swallow pills.
I can swallow about 5 pills at a time no problem.
(I hate taking medicine)

Mental health
I have been diagnosed with depression.
I shut others out when I'm depressed.
I take anti-depressants.
I have an eating disorder.
I've slept an entire day when I didn't need it.
I've hurt myself on purpose.
I'm addicted to self harm.
I've woken up crying.

Death
I'm afraid of dying.
I hate funerals.
I've seen someone dying.
I have attempted suicide.
Someone close to me has attempted suicide.
Someone close to me has committed suicide.

Random
I can sing well.
I've stolen a tray from a fast food restaurant.
I open up to others too easily.
I don't kill bugs.
I curse regularly.
I sing in the shower.(occasionally)
I am a morning person.
I paid for my cell phone ring tone.
I'm a snob about grammar.
I am a sports fanatic.
I play with my hair.
I have/had "x"s in my screen name.
I love being neat.
I've copied more than 30 CDs in a day.
I bake well.
My favorite color is either white, yellow, pink, red or blue.(yellow most times; depending on the mood)
I don't know how to shoot a gun.
I am in love with love.
I am guilty of tYpInG lIkE tHiS.
I laugh at my own jokes.
I eat fast food weekly.
I believe in ghosts.
I am online 24/7, even as an away message.
I can't sleep if there is a spider in the room.
I am really ticklish.
I love white chocolate.(hate)
I bite my nails.
I play video games.
I'm good at remembering faces.
I'm good at remembering names.
I'm good at remembering dates.
I have no idea what I want to do for the rest of my life.

-12935
Somewhere you will find me, caught beneath the landslide.

Frustration

2008-09-22T16:05:00.002+08:00

I am a very angry person.

1) Double standards between me and brother
2) Being forced to be a certain type of Muslim against my will
3) To have my stupidity rubbed in my face every damn day
4) To live with a brother so selfish, conceited and inconsiderate, is appalling enough, but to be related by blood? Intolerable
5) To be treated like a naive brainless child
6) To be taken advantage of
7) To subject my ears to pure torture everyday, because my mum cannot shut up
8) To worry I'm never good enough to escape this
9) Wishing I have something more substantial to be angry about
10)Misery in all of the above

I am so angry I could throw something. I could cry. I could bite my pillows. I could scream in them. And nothing helps.
I CANNOT SUCK IT UP.

IT'S INFURIATING.
IT IS SO GODDAMN INFURIATING.

SO WHAT IF IT'S THE LAST 10 DAYS OF RAMADHAN? YOU CANNOT FORCE ME TO PRAY TERAWIH EVERYNIGHT IF I DONT WANT TO.

GOD DO YOU KNOW WHAT IT IS TO BE MUSLIM???

It's not about DICTATING people what to do, it's about CHOICE. FUCK IT.

IhateyouIhateyouIhateyouIhateyouIhateyouYoudrivemecrazyeverygoddamndayofmylife.

I don't talk to people for fear I lash out at them.
I release my frustration in gaming, relishing all deaths, headshots, killing sprees. I killed someone so many times that the person, who's screenname is Clayne and is an absolute moron, says that I am a hacker. I guess I should take it as a compliment, that stupid fucking noob, but he said he's gonna report me and my IP would be banned. And then he laughed. So I shot him in the head. 5 times. And laughed. Though everyone else in the room agreed that I cannot have hacked since I died too many times (I die as many times as I kill, which is both equally high) but Clayne is a noob moron, I curse him to die and lose in every game of his online life.

For Hari Raya, okay, let's make pineapple tarts. I like eating them, so do my dad and bro. BUT WHY AM I FORCED TO MAKE EVERYTHING? I help out sure, but shouldn't I be given a choice as to how much I want to help?

IT SHOULD HAVE BEEN A FAVOUR I HAVE GIVEN YOU, NOT SLAVERY.
I HAVE BLISTERS on my thumb from all the cutting of shapes from the dough.

THE BOYS DID NOTHING! I am NOT A SUBSERVIENT WOMAN, all they fucking do is eat and eat and eat AND NEVER APPRECIATING ANYTHING. They say women nag because they feel unappreciated and nag for recognition.

I HAVE SHOWN YOU HOW I APPRECIATED YOU COUNTLESS TIMES, IT'S NOT MY FAULT THE MALES TAKE IT FOR GRANTED SO WHY ARE YOU FUCKING TAKING IT OUT ON ME?

You boss me around making me do EVERYTHING, and my brother does NOTHING. HIS ENTIRE LIFE, HE HAS DONE NOTHING AND YOU COMPARE ME TO HIM HOW DARE YOU I AM 876543456 TIMES BETTER THAN HE CAN EVER BE. Why do you put up with his perpetual rudeness? Why pacify him when he's angry? Why is he the fucking emperor in this shithole of a house and I'm the slave eh?

SO WHAT IF I HAVE D'S?
Can you shut up? I've had ENOUGH of your stupid nagging.

"You did so badly for exam you still wanna talk so much huh? You lucky we let you do anything at all."

GO TO HELL.
STOP BRINGING IT UP omg you as parents should be sensitive as to how LOWLY I think myself, when I feel like the dirt at the sole of your shoes, you should learn to SHUT UP because it's MY LIFE I'm screwing up NOT YOURS SO STOP LIVING MY LIFE.

My brother is in some loser school, did worse than me in PSLE, he is streamed into some sad combination, WHERE I HAD TO TEACH YOU HOW TO APPEAL TO THE SCHOOL TO LET HIM TAKE AMATHS, AND YET, you deem him better than me? When he is rude, unappreciative, selfish and lives like a slob throwing his clothes everywhere on the floor, forgetting to flush the toilet bowl, doesnt brush his teeth, doesn't clear his plate after eating, doesnt do the dishes, he is spiteful and demanding, and you love him more than your own life, telling me everyday to TAKE GOOD CARE OF HIM IF YOU EVER DEPART FROM THE WORLD.

CHOI.

IF YOU DIE, I'll leave him to rot too.

YOU BEG HIM to go out with his friends, letting him go to barbecues and guess what? You don't even know where he went. You even didn't mind it when he came home at MIDNIGHT. But when I WANNA GO FOR BARBECUES OR OUTINGS OR GODDAMN CYCLING YOU ASK ME WHERE? WHEN? WITH WHO? UNTIL WHEN? OKAY NO YOU CANNOT GO.

WHAAAAT THEEE FUUUUUUCCKKK???

And when I ask you about it, you say "because you're a girl".

FUCK YOU I HAVE MORE BRAINS THAN THAT IDIOT, THAT IDIOT GOT CHEATED BY A TAXI DRIVER, GOT LOST IN BUGIS, HE HAS NO STREETSMARTS WHAT SO EVER
JUST BECAUSE HE IS A BOY IT MAKES HIM MORE CAPABLE THAN ME?

You talk to me like I'm STUPID, and when I try to make my point, you say I should quit debate caz debating makes me rude to my parents.
JUST BECAUSE I TRY TO SHOW YOU HOW YOU DONT MAKE ANY SENSE YOU SAY I'M RUDE? I talk so nicely, to you even, just because I don't believe in what you say that makes me rude?

My brother tells you to "shut up", "get lost", "stop nagging, stupid cow" AND YOU TELL ME I'M RUDE?

Maybe, I should actually BE RUDE since I am accused of that all the time.
SO FUCK YOU.

I am 18 years old. When I am 21, I will not put up with this. You can cry softly outside, pray to God what you did to deserve such a daughter, you can look down on me, be disappointed in me and guess what? I don't care anymore.

The years of fighting and yearning for your approval is over. It means nothing to me now because all I have been is living in misery. To have your approval is such cheap temporal happiness.

Sometimes, I wish you could understand, that if you had some other daughter, you would pull your hair out and cry tears of blood.
Such is your reaction to my existence already.

I could have run away, but I now know what has been holding me back.
Everyone's watching me.

I guess I'm still sucking it up afterall.

-12904

I would like to die now, please.

2008-09-17T21:16:00.003+08:00

Stupid depression is hitting me in crushing waves.
Happiness is a state of mind.
I shall be happy, please.

My results are out.
Goodbye university.
I feel like a boulder just dropped onto my shoulders as realization dawned.
I'm... stupid?

I studied, and this is the kinda grades I get?
Are my brain cells truly dying?
What good am I?

I've picked myself up many times before.
But this time's too painful.
I can't get into a university.
Oh.
My.
God.

I can't even cry right now.

This is so meaningless.

I have no money.
I have no name.
I have nothing.

What good is having so many friends, when all I feel is so alone?

I'm a bloody good actress though.
And brain-washer too.
To brainwash myself into thinking everything's fine.
When it's not.
Everything is falling apart at the seams.
Nothing is fine.
My life is... falling apart.
For the lack of better words.

Sure I smile and laugh.
I drown myself in busy.
I meet up, hang out with friends.
I date.
I work.
I do everything, so many things, there isn't enough time in the day.
I lose sleep every night staying up till 5 in the morning.
And sleeping till 12 unless I have to be off to somewhere, for work or whatever it need be.

I'm losing it :(
I can tell.
My parents, they haven't noticed it. They scolded me though, for getting D's.
I'm surprised myself.
Trust me.
I'm shocked beyond words.
I paid $25 fucking hell. For the school to do a review of my examination results.

This is not happening.
I'm losing myself.

If I hadn't accumulated so much sins, enough for God to throw me to hell, I would've wished I were dead.

-12842
Live big, man. Dream small.

Hello Ryan

2008-09-10T23:55:00.002+08:00

I've been trying to log in msn for the past hour.
FUCKING GAY THING

Refuses to let me log in.
Ahah. Malaysia has problems with it too.
I bet the whole world hates msn now.

And Ryan, in that context, your sentence could be inferred as racist :)
But I don't get why everyone's so ultra sensitive. Lighten up :) I'm racist to myself sometimes :D

And Ryan?
I fucking miss you.
I hate that.
I am this close to texting you right now.

-12752
Jeez, come onnn.

damn.

2008-09-10T23:33:00.003+08:00

Damn, msn is being a real fuck up.

I can't seem to log onto it now and that everyone in loserland aka malaysia is experiencing the same problem too.

No wonder, a gazillion people logged off at the same time.

I was like wtf.

But a couple of people back home are going through this msn-emo-moment too.

Generally, I think there should be an alternative.

MSN's becoming way too overrated and it's timeee, they came up with something new and spiffeh.

I mean WE need something that will stop fucking up all the goddamn time right?

Anyway apart from that, I've been called racist twice today and its just as wtfing as this msn shit.

All I said was "Damn, must be the indians."

And whoaaaa, this guy took it oh so seriously.

I mean wtf.

I didn't swear and go around making racist comments right in your face.

If you want to consider it as racist since I directed it to the "Indians" and not any other race then okay, it was definitely a really subtle one.

Dude.

Do you know what and how racist comments are like?

Prolly not.

BUT aaaanyway, been having tonnes and tonnes of cake lately.

Tonnes and tonnes of birthdays.

Tonnes and tonnes of work.

Tonnes and tonnes of other uni applications that need to be dealt with.

Oh so frustrating.

Anyway, I'm out.

Oh and Hi Elle :D

Okay so we had dinner

2008-09-06T01:29:00.005+08:00

After two meetings today, (I thought Marcomm meeting was productive but the other, ah, wasted. I don't think god was being very fair when he subjects me to severe cramps almost every other month)I met up with Cass, Sheryan and Teri.

I LOVE YOUS. And missed yous!

We talked a hell lot, because I have a big mouth, really I love talking. Lmao and had Macs. Of which, our time together was filled with the most retarded and hilarious things.

We were on the topic of Muslims eating only Halal foods.

ME
I ate pork.

EVERYONE
O_O

ME
I'm kidding, I'm kidding :D

Everyone heaved a sigh of relief.

CASS
But she drank before okay?! (Gives me an accusing look)

ME
Whaaat? It was super diluted anyway. Like 0.01%.

CASS
So??

SHERYAN
Huh?!

TERI
Wait wait... I don't understand... You drank p-pork??

CASS

ME

SHERYAN

EVERYONE
HAHAHAHAHHAHAHAHAHHAHAHAHAHHAHA!!!!!!

Of course, Teri is super blur and adorable that way, I almost forgot what it's like laughing at her :D

The conversation then moved on to how horrifying it is to have the water or electrical supply cut off while in the middle of a shower.

CASS
(recounts incident where the power supply was cut off while bathing)

TERI
Omg, yeah! Happened to me too! Once, I was bathing, then the water supply got cut off because I forgot they were doing some maintenance.

EVERYONE
gasps!

ME
Oh god, then how? What did you do?

TERI
No choice, I had to wait it out.

ME
Huh... So sad! Then why didn't you wash the soap off your hair in the toilet bowl? (proceeds to perform action of flushing head in toilet bowl)

TERI
Cannot! The toilet bowl flush also not working!

EVERYONE
Oh...

ME
(frowns looking at everyone) Oh. My. God. I can't believe you considered washing your hair with toilet bowl water.

CASS AND SHERYAN
Beginnings of laughter was heard.

TERI
No no no! I meant I had to pee! Then I couldn't flush!

ME
OHHH MYY GAWDDD Teri! You unhygienic person! DID YOU TRY FLUSHING YOUR HEAD?? Omg! Eeeewww Teri!

CASS AND SHERYAN
Speechless because they were busy laughing too hard.

TERI
Noooooo!

Hahahahaha I haven't laughed so hard in ages :D
I love you guyssss
Anyway, after dinner, where me and Sheryan dumped all the lettuce in the burger to Cass and Teri, the cows (because the shredded lettuce resembled grass) where Sheryan and Teri were also picky about eating only soggy fries, where Cass whispered to me audibly about if she should be spiteful and eat that particular soggy fry which resulted in Sheryan's quick reflexes in snatching the beloved soggy fry with a loud cry of protest, where all four of us ate Mcspicy because I wanted to eat Mcspicy and because I am an awesome trend setter (I am so totally kidding, of course),
we went to the big toy store :D
(I forgot the name of that toy store)

I would like to state that that toy store was my all time favourite store ever.
It sells every toy in my childhood fantasies and more.
What's awesomeR is that at 18 years old? I'm still fascinated and very much entertained by the seemingly simplistic looking toys but also very beautiful and very fascinating.

We have many retarded pictures taken of which are in Cass's camera, but trust me, it was full of laughter, jokes, and spasticated faces :)
I'm sure everyone in the store was very amused by our antics.

:D

Thank you thank you for the wonderful time!
I really really enjoyed myself :)

AND IT'S REALLY NOT FAIR ALL 3 OF YOU HAVE BOYFRIENDS AND I'M THE ONLY SINGLE AND DATING AROUND ONE.
Maybe I should stop fooling around, and settle with a nice decent dude.
But that's the problem,
I've met no nice decent dudes :(

OH WELL.
Hey girls! Intro la ;)
After all, two of you chinese girls actually got cute MUSLIM boyfriends.
With girls like you, there's no more boys left for me man D;

But I'm fortunate really.
To know such beautiful people :)
Really, you'd be amazed at how pretty my friends are.

:D

-12653
I don't like my new reputation, but for survival? Whatever works, man.
And boy, do I miss people like yous :)
<3

Maybe work is a break.

2008-09-05T02:06:00.004+08:00

So maybe recently, I don't like to talk about my life so much. Especially my social life, which, as much as it might surprise you, I do actually have one.

Maybe I'm not very proud of some of the things I've done, but the only thing keeping me from being eaten up by my thoughts is, well, work :)

Let's see, I'm currently involved in the Marcomm bit of RedCamp5, which for those who are graduating from secondary school (or not) are encouraged to join caz it's really a blast. I'm also involved in the Student Leader recruitment drive. I've successfully gotten Debate trainings back on track, solo but still doing fine :) Everyone else is overseas, OH HOW I ENVY YOU GUYS but yes, I don't have money nor the smarts to get myself sponsored so too bad.

Thanks Nic for helping me book rooms, I hope you're doing fine too. I've booked another room though, just in case the system screwed up caz your booking id wasn't showing up right.

I'm also tutoring a kid intensively for PSLE, and may I stress intensively caz he really needs it and I doubt he nor any of his family members are as worried as I am for him.

So that pretty much ate up my holidays but I'm still finding myself coping, any free time I have is used up by reading or going out or watching movies.
I don't want my mind to be left free to wander because I'd just sink into another bout of depression.
Which is very very very dangerous.

I hate being depressed, but I understand it's a psychological thing, like how PMS is a hormonal thing and how coincidentally jinxed I am to have so much shit thrown at me when I'm PMS-ing therefore making me UBER cranky.

But it's okay :) I'm proud of myself for having so much more self-discipline than before, I'm growing up! :D
Although admittedly,-
you know what? Forget it :) I still can't talk about it.

I'm going through quite a patch :) But! I think I am coping very very very well. My mind is able to mentally block things out, although I find myself now extraordinarily forgetful, I thank god for the existence of planners because I would be utterly lost without one.
(I'm too good at this mind blocking thing. It's disturbing sometimes.)

I have two meetings to attend tomorrow and after that, I'll be having dinner with the girls :) How awesome, I miss them so!
I hope this new found self-discipline/drive/mood to actually work and not procrastinate would stay. Because I like it.
xD

I'm sorry for the long breaks between posts.
I just don't like to drown you guys in emo-ness. I don't like to read my emo posts too actually.
Lmao.

I want a Frappucino >.>
to cheer me up temporarily :D

-12632
Take it easy now.

Since I needed a rant anyway.

2008-09-02T22:59:00.002+08:00

Dear ex-friend-currently-turned-acquaintance,

So what if I'm your best friend? So what if I'm your only friend? Do you know why that is? Because I'm the only one who would put up with you.
Well not anymore.

I've emotionally deleted you from my life quite some time ago. Sure you pop up once in awhile when you decided you need me, but I am not gonna drop everything for you. No, not anymore.
I thought I was being a good friend. I thought kindness begets kindness.

WELL I WAS WRONG.

I was just being stupid. I was being a doormat. I let you push me around. I let you use me when you need me. And totally disregard me when you don't. I am not a doll. I am not a toy. I will not allow myself to be taken advantage of.

You call me only when you don't have a boyfriend anymore. When you did have one, you ignored me. I was insignificant. Not once have you appreciated me, nor genuinely care for my well being.

You are hypocritical and two-faced. You speak ill of me behind my back, you get jealous of me and you bear grudges against me. When I have never in my life thought anything less of you. You were my friend, I don't judge friends. I just stand by them.
I don't know why the fuck I stood by you and your stupid immature childish ways.
I advised you, you never listen. But I let you be, because it's your life and who am I to dictate you.

YOU will never grow up. YOU will never have friends because YOU don't know how to be one.
You were never my friend.
Eventhough I was your only and best one for years.

I kept quiet when put me in a difficult situation with the boy you liked. That boy happened to like me. It's not my fault and I did nothing to encourage it. I even tried my damnedest to DISCOURAGE it. But you schemingly put me in a bad light time and time again. And sooner or later, the truth would come up, and that boy was constantly surprised by your nonsense.

Do not tell me he likes me just because I'm fair, skinny, and half chinese so that makes me 'cool'. Perhaps he likes me for that, but he didn't like you, not even as a friend, for the same reasons I am dropping you right now.

It's because you are a horrid person to the core.

Whenever I needed someone to talk to, I called you. You said you were busy. You said you'd call me back later.

But you never did.

Sometimes you would call me. And said you needed to talk to me later at night so I can't sleep early, I gotta wait up for you.
I WAITED AND WAITED. You never called. By 1am I decided to just sleep by my phone just in case you called, so I'd hear it and wake up.
By morning, there was not even 1 missed call from you.

You said you missed me, so you asked me out.
And then you brought your boyfriend along. And there I was trailing behind like an idiot when you got mushy with your stupid ass boyfriend WHO CANNOT BE BOTHERED TO INTRODUCE HIMSELF OR EVEN TALK TO ME. It's like you're trying to juggle two of us at the same time.

AT LEAST, when I went out with Cass and her bf, all three of us talked. I got to know him, he got to know me. At least we could be friends. Or able to talk to each other. I felt like an extra trailing behind the both of you when you and him indulge in PDA.

HOW SICKENING. How rude of you to subject me to that. But no, I kept quiet, because it makes you happy.

Not anymore.

Now that I've emotionally deleted you from my life, whatever you do will not have any effect on me anymore because I simply DO NOT CARE. However it irritates me when you msg me, "Are you free to talk now?"

I would reply,"Yes."

And then you expect me to call you.
You sickening BITCH. HOW DARE YOU EXPECT ME TO CALL YOU? I've been the one doing the calling for YEARS SINCE WE KNEW EACH OTHER. You always blow up my bill when you bitch rant on me for hours about stupid guys. YOU ALWAYS MAKE ME PAY FOR THE GODDAMN PHONEBILLS YOU FREELOADING BITCH.

And then you got frustrated, caz I wasn't calling you back.
So you gave me a missed call on my handphone.

FUCK YOU.

If you want to talk to me, THEN YOU CALL ME.
I'm alright with sitting there and listen to you whine about the most shallow and stupid things possible. BUT I'D BE DAMNED IF I HAVE TO BE YOUR FUCKING SLAVE AND CALL YOU.

How DARE YOU get angry with me. YOU have NO RIGHT, NO FUCKING RIGHT to get angry with me at all.

You came online on msn, and saw me online. The first thing you said to me was,"Oi."

Do you think I'm your dog?
Fuck you.
I wished I never knew you.
I'm being kind to you by distancing myself from you. I knew if you received this letter from me, you would break down. Since your boyfriend dumped you and you have no more friends left, this letter would break you.
Your A levels are coming up, and you do not need more emotional shit thrown at you eventhough you totally asked for it.

I hope one day you realize. What a turd you've been. And how you lost your only friend.
But I would appreciate it if you never ever bother me again.
Because it gets really irritating, you know?

-12591
Awww... TOO BAD.

Amazing

2008-09-02T17:10:00.003+08:00

It's the holidays.
And I'm too busy to blog.
How retarded is that?
Sigh, will blog soon.
I have many things to blog about.
Bottling up things is unhealthy.

Sigh, I'm too busy to feel depressed.
I guess that's good.
Yeah...
Actually I can't tell.
If that's just pathetically sad, or good.

And I'm like in school now.
Stupid shit.
Lmao.
Okay never mind. I should be grateful I had a lift here and possibly gonna get a lift home too :D
Yay!
I'm so frikkin hungry.
Aiyah, holidays are not meant for fasting man..

Okay, laptop batt is dying.
Ciao.

-12583
At this point of time, I kinda don't believe in love. So yeah.

Poetry Erotica

2008-08-27T16:25:00.004+08:00

The following conversation between me (`Be strong, Lisa. (:) and Ratnor (tikkleus.multiply.com) took place at about 3am when we stumbled upon the topic of poetry.

tikkleus.multiply.com says (2:38 AM):
maybe we shud do now?!

tikkleus.multiply.com says (2:39 AM):
a phrase each..
see how long we can last
:P

`Be strong, Lisa. (: says (2:39 AM):
lmao wow i'm rusty
i wrote this months ago

tikkleus.multiply.com says (2:39 AM):
and i am decayed

`Be strong, Lisa. (: says (2:39 AM):
hahaha
oh yeahh
i'm so afraid i'd come up with rubbish and embarrass myself

tikkleus.multiply.com says (2:39 AM):
why not u start?!
tisnt that fun then? "P

`Be strong, Lisa. (: says (2:39 AM):
withh???

tikkleus.multiply.com says (2:40 AM):
yeah yeah u start? cause i like to be the one under :P

`Be strong, Lisa. (: says (2:40 AM):
oh noesssss

tikkleus.multiply.com says (2:40 AM):
if u cant .. then i will ? if u dun mind ..

`Be strong, Lisa. (: says (2:40 AM):
lmao go ahead

`Be strong, Lisa. (: says (2:41 AM):
i'm blanking out alrdy

tikkleus.multiply.com says (2:41 AM):
ok. .
hmmmmmmmmm

tikkleus.multiply.com says (2:42 AM):
slow is the breeze that brushes ya face, of which smooth skin i devour thy grace, at times, only kisses justifies of the LUST that i yearn to embrace..

`Be strong, Lisa. (: says (2:42 AM):
LMAO DUDE

tikkleus.multiply.com says (2:42 AM):
whahahaha

`Be strong, Lisa. (: says (2:42 AM):
oh shitttzzzz

`Be strong, Lisa. (: says (2:43 AM):
hahahaha

tikkleus.multiply.com says (2:43 AM):
now u laugh at me.. caus ei use LUST

`Be strong, Lisa. (: says (2:43 AM):
and now i'm struggling caz youre outta my league la

tikkleus.multiply.com says (2:43 AM):
no no no
dun say that
continue! pls..
this is exciting.. i am not here to shame .. but to exchange k
:)

`Be strong, Lisa. (: says (2:44 AM):
okok lemme try think up, this is a rhyming one isnt it?

tikkleus.multiply.com says (2:44 AM):
anything
your line is yours ..
my line is mine..
but oone.

`Be strong, Lisa. (: says (2:44 AM):
no need to link?

tikkleus.multiply.com says (2:44 AM):
one

tikkleus.multiply.com says (2:45 AM):
hmmm.... sort of link.. but no need ot be direct u know.. like a kiss..

`Be strong, Lisa. (: says (2:46 AM):
you know... i'm gonna take forever on this kinda things

tikkleus.multiply.com says (2:46 AM):
i can wait :)
take ya time..

tikkleus.multiply.com says (2:47 AM):
i'll surf porn or something! whahahahaha kidding :P

`Be strong, Lisa. (: says (2:48 AM):
do you know not the feelings evoked, from a slow ember to raging fire, from every brush or touch or stroke, the situation all the more dire
eek

tikkleus.multiply.com says (2:48 AM):
fuck siaa..
u good

`Be strong, Lisa. (: says (2:49 AM):
hahaha freaking out here
and fuck i'm takin from experience again, this is wrong sounding >.>

tikkleus.multiply.com says (2:53 AM):
now.. there's no touch to express nor to impress.. but of touch to feed my desires. of which i have not been fed. so, just tonight my lost love.. will you soaked this night with many flights of many bodily might?

`Be strong, Lisa. (: says (2:55 AM):
every sigh and every breath warm against the skin, the fluidity of movements- oh of glorious sin.
secret decadence, throw rationality with disregard, satisfy our heat, and the love of our hearts.

tikkleus.multiply.com says (2:56 AM):
oh man..

`Be strong, Lisa. (: says (2:56 AM):
(this is getting hard lmao)

tikkleus.multiply.com says (2:56 AM):
"every sigh and every breath warm against the skin, the fluidity of movements- oh of glorious sin."
YOU ARE GOOD!!!

`Be strong, Lisa. (: says (2:57 AM):
lmaooo maybe there's something about 3 am that makes me poetic?
i was seriously blanking out :(

tikkleus.multiply.com says (2:57 AM):
i need a drink to go thru this ! whahaha..
hmmm

`Be strong, Lisa. (: says (2:57 AM):
hahaha

tikkleus.multiply.com says (3:00 AM):
the love of our hearts. oh the secret held within.. the secret of secrets lies deeply within.. our sins.. my sins.. our sins.. are witnessed only by the stars that glitters in delight and the moon that shimmers in sigh .. not of wrong but of what beauty .. of what beauty u are that make it right..

tikkleus.multiply.com says (3:01 AM):
i am rusty and decayed sia!! i need a dictionary!! :P whahaha

`Be strong, Lisa. (: says (3:03 AM):
it is not the scent of the sea, nor the grass, nor flowers, nor your perfume,
but darling yours and yours alone, i devour only to be consumed
sins? nay, not today, for my love, the world is no longer in our way
without you i am nothing, as a night is without day.

`Be strong, Lisa. (: says (3:04 AM):
DAMMIT I LIKE THAT
hahahahaha wtf

tikkleus.multiply.com says (3:07 AM):
the kisses u say.. the moans that we felt.. enticed the senses as it embroiled... the open skin... occasion stares.. oh the wait of directions of your hair.. over my faces.. covers your lips.. move them aside.. let me kiss.. let me ease.. let me please..

tikkleus.multiply.com says (3:08 AM):
that was porno man!
:P

`Be strong, Lisa. (: says (3:08 AM):
lmao, aww man
i'm getting most inspiration from ee cummings, my style is so similar

`Be strong, Lisa. (: says (3:12 AM):
let me enter- your heart, your body, your mind,
it's not an invasion, this you will find,
but more of a completion of the heart, body and soul
the fulfilling act of filling every hole

`Be strong, Lisa. (: says (3:12 AM):
last part sounds wrong, but i really meant holes in the heart really >.>

tikkleus.multiply.com says (3:13 AM):
whahahaha

tikkleus.multiply.com says (3:17 AM):
dont restrict ya moves.. dun fear of fears. your heart is what i desires.. the night is long and so is our strength.. a proof for what love gyres.

tikkleus.multiply.com says (3:18 AM):
so slowly are u in this hands that i feel.. it all seems surreal

`Be strong, Lisa. (: says (3:22 AM):
as exhaustion engulfs, as we are spent,
as we try to keep our eyes open but cant
as I comb my fingers through your hair
as we lay back, relaxed, without any care
for this world, or the one we'll soon slide lazily into
there's only one thing on my mind, really,
I love you.

tikkleus.multiply.com says (3:22 AM):
wtf

`Be strong, Lisa. (: says (3:22 AM):
(i hope we're done because my brain is mindfucked)

tikkleus.multiply.com says (3:22 AM):
u just killed it,, and u nailed it

`Be strong, Lisa. (: says (3:23 AM):
lmao

tikkleus.multiply.com says (3:23 AM):
an di say i wanna make love till i sleep now!

`Be strong, Lisa. (: says (3:23 AM):
i had to
lmao i had tooo

tikkleus.multiply.com says (3:23 AM):
thanks :)
thanks for the night
for u are the cause of this delights
:)
:P

`Be strong, Lisa. (: says (3:23 AM):
hahaha

tikkleus.multiply.com says (3:23 AM):
ok ok

`Be strong, Lisa. (: says (3:23 AM):
nice one

tikkleus.multiply.com says (3:23 AM):
shall stop

tikkleus.multiply.com says (3:24 AM):
dun log off first k
wait

`Be strong, Lisa. (: says (3:24 AM):
yes yes i should sleep and so should you,
or under our eyes it'll turn black and blue

tikkleus.multiply.com says (3:26 AM):
i have a gift .. nothing but small
of this nite .. was HELL OF A BALL!

tikkleus.multiply.com sends:

A S DOpen(Alt+P)

`Be strong, Lisa. (: says (3:26 AM):
hahahaha

tikkleus.multiply.com says (3:27 AM):
i have document of every word.. for u to read.. and not feel bad.. of what seems a disastrous night

`Be strong, Lisa. (: says (3:27 AM):
man, it seems it's gotten us stuck
and that poem was one awesome fuck
lmao

* You have successfully received C:\Users\user\Documents\My Received Files\Ode to Lisa.doc from tikkleus.multiply.com.

tikkleus.multiply.com says (3:27 AM):
whahaha

-12498
Lead me not to temptation. I can find it myself.

It's 6.41AM

2008-08-19T06:41:00.002+08:00

And I'm still awake.
And still not done.
Hurry hurry I need my nap before the paper starts.
Oh god my fingers are so tired.
My back is aching.

BUT MY BRAIN FEELS SO ALIVEEEE!!!!

Lmao,
it's the coffee lah.

-12347
I hope this works.

It's 4.13 AM.

2008-08-19T04:13:00.002+08:00

I've been studying since 1 am.
4 hours of studying non-stop.
With the occasional gulps of hot coffee, which turned cold after a coupla hours.
A slice of plain bread to prevent the onslaught of gastric pains.
The stretching of tensed muscles from the lack of movement for hours.
The cracking of knuckles and fingers after typing like a crazed clerk.
I must do well for MMB.
Must must must.
The people in my course are scaring me.
Muggers are freaks.
And to beat them, I shall be one of them.
I shall be nerd!
I FEEL GOOD BEBEH.
Studying is quite... fun.
Stressful now, but, the influx of knowledge you never had is quite...
satisfying.
I never wanna work.
Let's be students forever.
I don't mind being nerd.
Really, I don't :)

Ryan drives me crazy.
Really he does.
:)

Break's over.
Back to last minute mass downloading into the throbbing brain.

-12341
and I think I like how the day sounds through this new song

Excuse me.

2008-08-18T18:54:00.004+08:00

Yes yes I know I should :(
And I have been, though I can obviously study much more, utilizing every single second of my time left, but I take breaks that are too long, and I sleep far too much.
Never have I fear sleeping so much in my entire life.

I'm at Cass Lee's place again. Studying while she takes a nap (she stayed up till 7am last night mugging, that freak). Oops, I mean, I was studying, now I'm blogging because my brain refuses to cooperate with me.

I think I'm planning to stay up all night tonight too :)
And sleep tomorrow morning. Awesome.

I'm on an msn hiatus till Weds, so no you won't see me online.
And to encourage myself to keep going, I have that "YOU SHOULD BE STUDYING" pic on my handphone as well as my laptop's wallpaper.
It's strangely effective. I'd feel so guilty I'd actually walk over to my pile of sickening notes and begin deciphering them albeit slowly.
I'm done with Aquaculture today. I think I can pass but what matters is HOW WELL WILL I PASS?
I need flying colours.
Heck, I need a fucking rocket of rainbows.

My GPA is terrible :( I hate how my mum expects me to be able to get into uni with a snap of the fingers. Sighh expectations expectations.
Disappointing my parents is probably a phobia of mine now.
I've never worked so hard my entire life, but I probably started late :/
That's why you don't see awesome results.
I hate my first year of poly.
It's the most screwed up year ever. And it's slowly screwing up this one too.

Ashton aka kiaokiao is adorable. As usual.
:)
I love him so.

I miss msn!
Lmao, it's been ages since I've properly used msn to chat with anyone.
Jacob's MIA :( So no witty exchange anymore. Except perhaps with Timo, when he got bored and started dissing me. I must say I put up a pretty decent fight even with me being brain dead and all. Timo bitched about hookworm too lmao.
He revealed something shocking.
Zomg.
:D
Wouldn't you just love to know?

Timo is amazingly bitchy.
That jerky tub of lard.

Sigh, JACOB WHERE THE SHIT ARE YOUUU??
:(
I haven't published any of your poems in eons.

And I miss Ryan too. Ah shets.
Maybe I should put one of his unglam photos on my phone's wallpaper :D
Then I can laugh all the time.
And that way, I won't miss him :D
Lmao, I don't think he'll like this idea.

ARGH okok NO MORE BLOGGING, till weds.
I'm gonna studyyyy.
Wish me luck.

-12332
Pride relates more to our opinion of ourselves, vanity to what we would have others think of us.

i wanna have boobies.

2008-08-16T01:38:00.003+08:00

"dreams"

"can't remember any"

"maybe you should blog about your horrible memory"

"no, give me another word."

"cynic"

"why would i wanna convince others that you're one?"

"realist..pragmatist"

"SO TRUEEEEE."

she's a realist/pragmatist.

but is she really one?

she convinces others really well that she is. well at least in my case, i feel that i have fallen into one of her many traps.

but soon enough, i just kinda stopped believing this thing, i call a facade.

because i just know that she does not mean everything she says

she tells people certain things

and you just eventually find yourself looking at her with this point of view

but sometimes, she's really not like what she claims herself to be

some time later, you find her telling you things that totally contradict her previous statements

she may say something that would make you believe that she's all for the practical things in life

but really, deep down she means otherwise.

well, only sometimes.

The ride down.

2008-08-14T15:24:00.004+08:00

I want to be a vampire. I really do.
I wish I was Isabella Swan. And I'm crazy about Edward Cullen. And Jacob Black. And Carlisle, Alice, Esme, Jasper and oh Emmett especially. I have my reservations for Rosalie, but I am starting to warm up to her. Oh Renesmee is such a dear.
IT'S NOT FAIR.
It's so cool :D
And yes, you know not what I'm going on and on about because I finally bought Breaking Dawn.
Yesterday. And I finished it. Yesterday.
I know, I'm terrible.
I should be studying.
But remember, I mentioned once about being a sucker for happy endings?
Breaking Dawn, is all that.
I love it :(
Oh I love it so :( It's just the perfect happy ending that isn't too predictable.
Sighhhhh

I will read the Twilight Saga over and over again and never get bored of it. I'll even memorize it. Oh why can't I take literature and do a paper on this. I'd gladly study for it all day and night.

Well anyway, I have been attempting being a nerd. Not quite successfully though.
Studied with Alfred on Monday, you can read his blog about some mental old dude in the library, and met Cass Ng there too. She thought he was Todd. What the hell? Haha good luck for prelims, girl.

Studied with Fasihah on Tuesday, which was extremely unproductive caz it was after Aquaculture retest. I ended up learning alot from her on psychology.
And studied with Alfred again yesterday.
WHICH WAS ALSO UNPRODUCTIVE. Ugh I hate being so dependent on my moods!

Chatted with Alfred too much, on basically everything that ever pissed me off in life.
I haven't realised how greatly these things piss me off.
I must have been bottling up things again.

However, Starbucks cheered me up. Thanks Alfred for the treat :) How you can be nice and such a bitch at the same time astounds me. Lmao.
Oh and this is the second time Starbucks' baristas (? do we call them that?) flirted with me.
Which is still a strange experience for me.
I've never been one to get noticed.

He asked for my name, casually. Interesting.
But the only flaw was that I was the only customer. Making me a frapp wouldn't be that confusing such that you need my name "for reference".
-.-
And he asked,
"I wonder, if that's a Christian name, or a Malay name?"

"It's a Malay name."

"Ah," the Indian barista looked thoughtful. His Malay friend laughed at him while making my frapp and grinned at me. Like he knew some joke I didn't.
The Indian dude glanced at his friend before continuing.

"So does it have any special meaning to it?"

"It means 'purity', I think."

"Oh," he looked thoughtful again.

"I'm half chinese. I know. I get this alot."

"Oh," he said with more feeling and looking even more thoughtful now.

I watched his friend's back as he made my frapp. Concerned with why his shoulders were rocking with laughter, when the Indian dude had a very convincing facade on, he didn't look like he'd burst out laughing anytime.

We chatted somemore, regarding my ethnicity. Joked a little.
It was decidedly weird. To have garnered so much attention. Afterall, I'm pretty used to Singapore's blasé service in general.
I thanked them for the Frapp, and they remained leaning against the counter smiling.
For a moment I was conflicted.
On whether I should be happy, that I finally received some good service with a more friendly and personal touch, or irritated, that I'm only receiving such a warm service because they were flirting mildly.

I decided to think it funny. Because I saw how he spelt my name on my cup.
You'd think he'd know how to guess better.
"Khashish"

Nice going.

-12252
And my heart suddenly swelled with love. I'm in trouble.

nerd mode

2008-08-10T17:42:00.001+08:00

shoots.

5days break from studying is BAD.

O_O

shoots.

-12163
I hate this feeling.

Links you would hate.

2008-08-10T14:54:00.003+08:00

Alright, let's just say I'm jinxed. And I stumble upon idiotic things on the net.
Firstly, a type of link you'd hate are ghostly ones.
Ryan told me to read this ghost story article on the net.
Be warned that the shock may induce myocardial infarction to those with a weak heart.

To be scared shitless,
Click Here.

Don't forget to read every single bit.
Credits to Ryan although I never really forgave him for this.
:)

Secondly, the kinda links you'd hate are the ones that annoy you.
I found two links on this.

Warning:
To prevent anyone from losing any data online, please right click the links and open it in a new window. You will find yourself incapable of closing the annoying shit, so press Ctrl + Alt + Delete to start a task manager and click close program.
This way, you won't lose anything you have open in your other tabs.
But just in case, don't open anything else when trying out this link.

If you have power fingers and bored enough to be clicking away forever,
Click Here.

If you really want to be annoyed that badly,
Click Here.

I really hope you've read my warning in red.

There are also fake viruses on the net that you can download to annoy your friends. It makes your "Start" button run around evading your cursor. And it's annoying so no, I won't blog about it less this circulates and I'd receive bad karma. Or rather receive the same damned fake virus.
It's harmless but you have to know that you're supposed to put your cursor on the top left of your screen to finally get rid of the program (that is, to open up Avoid.exe in order to close it).

I think that's all for the links you'd hate.
And if you really do click those links, you are an idiot!
:D
Before I end off, here's a link you'd like :)
Click Here.

Read every bit and click every link xD

I guess there're too many bored people in this world.

-12151
Sigh

Ahhh

2008-08-07T16:00:00.001+08:00

owowowowowow
owwwwwwwwwww

badass cramps bad ass crampsssssssss

This is such a bad week :(

Ouch ow ow ow

:(:(:(

-12064
utterly unbearable

And now we know why.

2008-08-07T13:20:00.002+08:00

Ah my period just came.

Now I know why.
Lmao.

I really should keep tabs on my womanly occurrence, less I'd be surprised the next time I PMS.
Being a female is such a chore.

Meh.

-12060
Sorry.

I can't take it. I'm a weakling.

2008-08-07T10:32:00.003+08:00

I'm falling apart at the seams. Really. I don't know why, I mean the pressure isn't even that bad, I should be able to take it. Mentally, I can, physically too, although I came down with a fever and bad migraine last night. Waking up this morning feeling marginally better, but a night's rest hasn't removed the sick feeling in my gut.

The sick feeling.

I don't know why I'm so fecking emotionally unstable.
o_O

Okay, so maybe it's affecting my mental health too.

Every small nitty gritty things has been throwing itself at me in huge waves, and just irritating the shit outta me.
I mean, if one mozzie bit me multiple times, I can take about ten bites before I decide to annihilate the damned creature.
But if a swarm of mozzies bit me, once for each mozzie, I go crazy.

Get what I mean?
You may say," Oh it's just a small matter." Oh it's just one mozzie bite.
But there are many small matters. There are many fecking mosquitoes and I am going crazy.
And I feel like killing them all, for one trivial mosquito bite. Each.

I know this is a really strange analogy but it's the best and closest I can come up with.

Sometimes I hate my mum.
See, my mum isn't very intelligent, academically or otherwise.
But of course, that doesn't mean she's no good at everything, she has her strong points, my mother.

Right now I feel like slapping the shit outta her.
She's so fucking racist (I'm sorry, I know I'm going on a vulgarity strike but please excuse me for this one post).
I hate it.
I hate racists.
I hate it when people stereotype and firmly believe it.
Because I believe that every individual is different. So I have to give them a chance to be different. Like how people should give me a chance to show who I really am and not judge me based on my looks, race, nationality, religion, background or whatever it is you retards use to judge people.

If I feel there's more to me than what anyone could possibly perceive even if you've met me or know me as a friend even, then I feel that there should be more to everyone too.
And if I get the impression that there's nothing more to you, then I think you're shallow. Hah. Let's hope that's not true.

I got into an argument with mum.
She was like," You wait, when you go overseas, see how they discriminate you."

So I said," Can you not put it that way? I know that the world is harsh and there's biased people and racist people, but don't assume please."

"Haiya, you're still young. You haven't seen the world."
(Neither has she, she doesn't travel at all. Gosh.)

"Yes I'm young, but I'm not stupid. God knows how I deal with racism in my life already. I just don't want you to stereotype. That's racist. It's disgusting."

"I'm not being racist! They are. You're still ignorant. When you're old like me then you know."

(Here, when she speaks of racism and discrimination in other countries, she basically means white people. Because I had this conversation with her before. Apparently, she hates China and loves Malaysia and Indonesia. Unless if there was a debate between Singapore and any other country, she'd unfairly side Singapore no matter what. She's patriotic that way I guess)

"I know there are racist people around but can you not assume that every single one of them are? Can you not jump to conclusions that once I step into a white country, the entire world would be against me? Maybe if I'm that unfortunate, I'd land into a place where majority of them are racists but don't stereotype this way caz you're being racist too."
(And I can just about hear the disgust you have about them in your voice)

At this point, the conversation took a bad turn, and I started getting angry at how disgustingly shallow and racist my mum was, dissing everyone. She mentioned countries too, countries with majority Caucasians, so I was right, she was being racist.
I couldn't take it anymore, I decided to stop this with her caz she argues with no sense, and even as an amateur debater, the stupidity and senselessness was too much to bear. You just can't rebut stupidity.

And apparently, my tear ducts are somehow linked to the anger management portion of my brain so I feel like crying when I'm angry, it's ridiculous and I hate it, this weakness. Then Mum started being a bitch.

"See? I don't know why you join debate when you cannot even debate properly. Cannot even rebut properly. Huh? Stop being so emotional lah. Control yourself don't be controlled by your feelings. You say I racist you not racist meh? You wait and see. You go and blog some more lah. Go, go and defend people you don't know, go against your own mother."

Okay, that made no sense whatsoever but yeah, she completely missed my point.
I was angry because I was so ashamed that my own mother was racist. I don't give a shit about people I don't know, I'm not defending them, I'm saying it's wrong in general to assume that they all are like that.

It's just, I'm trying so hard to be less of a typical Singaporean, to improve myself, to think positive, complain less, I have yet to complain on this blog about stupid ass Nokia, but never mind, trivial matter, I MUST complain less, to just be generally a better person and my own mum pisses me off.

Every small tiny matter is like a personal offence to me now.
nbckjbcibferjvktr
I am so irritated!

My brother... is beyond hope.
The arrogance in which he talks, we can be watching TV and he'd say "Eeee so ugly still want to be on TV. Wahlao, no skills at all. So stupid. So Ugly." etc etc.
It SICKENS me.
And I'll be like,"You think you damn handsome is it? Please la, Jessica Liu is 500 times more pretty than you'll ever be handsome."
And it's true.
My brother is so lazy and unmotivated, he's not working towards anything, no drive to succeed in life, and he disses everyone like he's better than them.

WHAT'S WRONG WITH MY FAMILY?
STOP IT, OKAY?

Are my family typical Singaporeans? Is that why I can't stand them?
Am I a typical Singaporean? Caz I try very hard to be reasonable everyday.

Even when I'm in a fucking bad mood, I'll smile at the child in the train who stepped on my feet, I'd apologize when someone bumped into me eventhough it's not my fault and they bumped into me. I'd talk to random old ladies in the train, because I can sense that they're dying to talk to someone, and they really don't want me to go back to sleep, so I listen as they tell me their interesting life story.

I have conversation with strangers.
I know, it's very err... uncommon in Singapore, but even I don't stereotype Singaporeans, I know there's nice Singaporeans, which is why I don't wanna be a typical Singaporean.
There's a difference.
Typical Singaporeans are the kinda people everyone stereotypes Singaporeans to be.
They are not anyone in particular, it's just a name for the kind of people with certain unattractive characteristics.

I'm a Singaporean who just wants to be a Singaporean and not a typical Singaporean.
Get it?
Don't throw my mother's words back at me.
Lmao.

And this is such a long rant, but I need it.
Because I can't rant on anyone, how unfortunate of him/her if I were to unleash this onto them, but here I can just babble on and on and you can choose to read it or not.
:)
So convenient.

1.5 weeks to my finals, and I've already started studying, because there's alot for me to catch up on, and if I don't get a 4.0 for the next four sems, I can't make it to a local uni.
And err I deffo can't get 4.0 for this sem, but please let me get a 3.0 at least (haha quite a high hope there :S) or close to it, maybe if I ace my finals I can pull everything up.
I NEED IT. My overall GPA is deffo gonna suck, but maybe I can like show them my sexy portfolio, and they'd overlook my lack of academic success.

And when I study, people would comment things like,"wow Khalisah's actually studying, how unlike you." etc. etc.
As I mentioned last sem, it annoys me greatly.
Sure, usually I start studying a week before exams, and now I'm studying 2 weeks before, but yeah.. I need the GPA so badly, I'm that screwed.

I wish everyone around me would be more...
nerd?

Like the JC people are so freaking out about prelims so yeah, they actually motivate me to mug, (I'll post up pics of studying with Cass Ng soon xD) but poly people, sure they study, but they also waste alot of my time, it's like not conducive studying.

Idk...

Oh and I read 2 novels in two days. Well actually about 4 hours per novel, caz I read them at night. I broke my vow.
:(
I can't help it. The book is too good, and I cried nonstop lmao.
I love the book :(
I love reading :(
I wish I could read and travel forever.
And get occasional fireworks :)
My dream life.

And in order to achieve that, I shall STUDY!
Like NOW.
Goodbye and sorry for the long rant.

(Must remember to breathe. More tolerance, elle. More tolerance.)

-12057
Internal conflicts are hard on me. Please be patient :(

My favourite old man.

2008-08-05T00:08:00.005+08:00

HAPPY BIRTHDAY, RYAN YOU RETARD!

I LOVE YOU TRUCKLOADS :D

You're so old now. Really. You ancient fossil.
xD

Enjoy being a year older you old geezer <333

The Reason Why I Love You

2008-08-04T21:38:00.003+08:00

"Hello?"

"Hello? Khalisah?"

"Yeah, where are you?"

"I'm at McDonald's. Where are you?"

"I'm sitting and waiting for you at Macs. Where are you?! I don't see you."

I looked around, searching for Cassandra Ng Lin.

"I'm in Macs! Where are youuuu? I can't see you!"

I looked behind me.

"I'm in- HAHAHAHAHAHAHA."

There she was standing behind me with her mouth open in confusion. She looked down and saw me.

"HAHAHAHAHAHAHA!!!"

"HAHAHAHAHA you-" I gasped," YOU IDIOT HAHAHAHAHAHA!!!"

Everyone in Macs stared.
A pity they would never know why we were laughing.

-11981
Helpless.

It's only a matter of time.

2008-08-02T22:33:00.002+08:00

One last glance in a taxi cab
Images scar my mind
Four weeks have felt like years
Since your full attention was all mine
The night was young and so were we
Talked about life, God, death, and your family
Did not want any promises,
Just my undivided honesty, and you said

Oh, things are going to change now for the better
Oh, things are going to change

I am the patron saint of lost causes
A fraction of who I once believed
It's only a matter of time
Opinions I would try and rewrite
If life had background music playing your song
I have got to be honest, I tried to escape you
But the orchestra plays on, and they sang

Oh, things are going to change now for the better
And oh, things are going to change

Hands, like secrets, are the hardest thing to keep from you
Lines and phrases, like knives, your words can cut me through
Dismantle me down
You dismantle me
You dismantle me

Give me time to prove
Prove I want the rest of yours
Call this a prelude to a lifetime of you
It's not that I hang on every word
I hang myself on what you repeat
It's not that I keep hanging on
I'm never letting go

Save me from myself
Save me from myself
Help me save me from myself
Save me from myself

ellegarden<3

2008-07-31T23:49:00.001+08:00

ash

Kirei na kotoba de katazukeru kimi ga
Dare yori kanashii kao wo miseru you ni
Utagau kokoro ya samayou yubisaki
Mayotta bun dake saki e susumun da

Ato ni natte kou datte kizuku made
Nando datte ubaiatte
Asa ni natte kurumatte miagetara
Mado ni sasu gaikou

Yasashii hito ni wa narenai bokura ga
Kanashii kioku wo yurusenai you ni
Wakatta furi nara dekinakute ii sa
Waratta bun dake saki e susumun da

Ato ni natte kou datte kizuku made
Nando datte ubaiatte
Asa ni natte kurumatte miagetara
Mado ni sasu gaikou

My name is jack
Just tell me you are ok
My name is jack
I've been standing next to you in the storyboard
You can draw another one of your own

Ato ni natte kou datte kizuku made
Nando datte ubaiatte
Asa ni natte kurumatte miagetara
Mado ni sasu gaikou

Plopping my ass down

2008-07-31T19:04:00.007+08:00

*gasps* A camera!

Everytime I look at this photo, I'd laugh.
Because it's so hilariously funny. I mean come on, look at that fella's expression. He looks so shocked! Like aahh, my pimply face! No pictures! That has to be the most adorable goldfish I have ever had the fortune to capture on camera.

Ah, I assumed that goldfish was male. Well, there is an uncanny resemblance to some people I know.
(If you take offence to this, then yes, I'm talking about YOU.)

Anyway, if you must know, I took that picture while I was on a field trip to fish farms.
Like God, fish farms?!
Aquaculture hates me.
Overall it was dead boring, with the exception of several weird moments/ incidences. We went to 3 fish farms.
THREE.
And there were FROGS.
In FISH farms.
What is wrong with you people?!

What is wrong with me?!
I can't even leave the poor frogs alone when they wanted some sexy time. This is an invasion of privacy! This is porn! Those frogs could sue!

I was wrong. Their entire family is in the mafia.
They're gonna come after me.

I was sitting in the bus, looking out of the window. Feeling slightly dizzy due to the bumpy ride and glaring hot sun shining into my already tanned face. The view outside was daunting, with hot gravel on the ground and hardly any plants nearby.
A thought fluttered about in my head momentarily, it's so hot that if the bus stops here right now, we'd shrivel up like a prune and die.
The bus slowed down.

"Oh no, ohhh noooo."

"What is it?"

"Oh noooo don't stop here don't stop here!"

"Hahahaha uh-oh."

The bus halted.

"Aaaaahhh dammit! It's so hottttt!"

-11888
The frequency of posts may decrease due to an upcoming catastrophe. Unfortunately, surviving the catastrophe of final exams takes precedence over the joy of regurgitating random thoughts for your amusement. Please be understanding and continue praying to God for a new post by me everyday.
Thank you.

...

2008-07-28T22:06:00.003+08:00

Ryan messed with the font in my previous post...

And the rabbits ARE humping.

O_o

Idiot rabbits left their babies to die...

..poor babies.

Ryan you are so dead, hun.

-11817
blog spam

cheesy yet humpetty hump hump.

2008-07-28T21:59:00.002+08:00

http://i142.photobucket.com/albums/r104/lukazahrt/PBF077-Bunny_Pit.jpg

this is super cheesy. its unbelievable.

they look like they're humping =\.

drool overload.

2008-07-28T21:23:00.005+08:00

WARRRRRRRRRRRRNINGGGGGG!

CALLING OUT FOR ALL RICH,SMOOTH &&& CREAMY BUT FEMININE,SEXY AND GAY HUNKKKSSSS!!

LEAVE A MSG @ ---> ELLE4LOSER@HOTMAIL.COM

OR CALL HER MOBILE @ ----> 9337XXXX :D:D:D

YEAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAH BABYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYY.

I'm moody and weird. Bite my words.

2008-07-28T19:51:00.011+08:00

And I miss the waterfalls.
:(
I wanna travel.
I wanna travel before I die.
Not that I think I'm gonna die anytime soon.

...

Ah. Let's move on.

I had a weird dream last night.
I dreamt I met Def Leppard.
Which is strange because I've never seen them before. And I only know one song by them.
Thanks to... Joshua Wong.
ALL YOUR FAULT.
He sent me a funky headbanger called Pour Some Sugar On Me by Def Leppard.
Which I like, but that's not the point.
In my dream, they had long hair and wore leather jackets or vests.
With badass guitars.

I dreamt they met me, or I met them, on a boat. And we got along. They said they'll deffo visit me again the next day.
Which was strange because we were on the same ferry. We could 'visit' each other anytime. Dreams are decidedly weird.
And then I ran away from 'home' and found myself on a highway. I followed a policeman because he looked trustworthy and kind. He said I could stay with him. His wife wouldn't mind and they didn't have any kids.
When we arrived, we're in this open area where everyone was sexing each other, and he wanted to sell me.
Wtf?
So I ran away.
And walked a long walk on the highway.

Until my mum woke me up.

If you must know, the policeman in my dream looked like this;

Yes, that is Nick Stokes from CSI, acted by George Eads.
I LOVED Nick Stokes by the way.
:(
Can you imagine how much I trusted him in my dream??
Lmao, weird dream.

Due to my extremely inquisitive nature, I wondered how Def Leppard look like and if they were in anyway like how they seemed in my dream.
I found this instead.

Okay so they don't look like anything in my dream.
BUT.
I also found an old photo of them.

Close enough :)

Well I don't know how I ran away to the highway from a boat in the middle of the ocean but hell, dreams are weird.
I don't know why but I haven't had the mood to blog recently. And I need to study really badly.
I'm too lazy to blog about my birthday, caz there's too much to blog about, and too many pictures.
But I will throw in random pictures of it in my next few posts xD
You should've seen the cake, dudes. TWAS AWESOME :D

Ryan went crazy in his previous post lmao.
RAWR BACK AT YOU.
And I love you too :)

And Joshua Wong is also officially loved.
Guess why :D
wooooo~

Dad got me a new phone and plan for my birthday :)
Starhub student plan with unlimited free smses rocks my smelly socks!
:D:D:D
And Dad got me a Nokia 6500S.
:) I thought he would keep the phone for himself and just give me the plan,
but no, he's awesome ;D
SO NOW YOU CAN TEXT ME ALL YOU WANT BEBEHHH.
(But my phone is fecking up. Argh, the screen flickers occasionally. I wonder why. And the profiles aint working right. GAYNESS, it's a new phone screw you! )

Bro got a new phone too.
NOT FAIR.
Lmao
I wanna be speshul.

Anyway, I should be studying.
Goodbye.

EDIT: Ryan messed with the size of my fonts. Any occurrence of myopia or any other eye problems is purely coincidental. If you still don't buy that then this disclaimer shall render Ryan fully responsible and not Elle. Your cooperation is greatly appreciated. Thank you.

-11791
Here we go again. Hello.

My hands are shaking.

2008-07-27T22:58:00.002+08:00

RAWRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRR.

rawr.

raw.

ra.

r.

r-a-w-r.

TGIF

2008-07-26T01:10:00.003+08:00

Thank God it's Friday.

and THANK YOU THANK YOU YOU YOU AND YOUUUU
For the first time in my life, I've never been spammed so horribly that my phone hanged, my msn was blinking orange all over, and Ryan dedicated a post with a font so big and colourful, I could read it without glasses (and my degree is pretty high).
I love you all really I do.
I never did expected anything.
Well, caz I totally forgot about it until the day before.
Or I'd remember it briefly when Cass Lee talks about it. Other than that, it didn't occur to me that my birthday was looming near.

I loved the cake, I loved the not so subtle surprise :) I love the totally unexpected presents from the Langkawi people :) I love that you guys made so much effort getting me such an amazing cake (it looked really expensive O_O) or maybe I should call it brownies. Caz it's just one giant brownie cake thing with sprinkles and a 'Happy Birthday Khalisah!" IT'S LOVELYYY :D

If I didn't show enough reaction that day, it's caz I was stunned xD

I'm so touched really :)
And I thought I won't have any friends in poly lmao.

And after that, many many thanks to BBZ and Syida, my aunt and cousin for the wonderful Seoul Garden treat and the cardigan they got for me as a present :) haha I don't have to buy one anymore now!

Anyway, I don't feel like blogging now.
So I'll blog in detail and upload the photos later.
It's time for me to emo abit.
Lmao.

Oh, btw I'm getting a new phone and new plan too :D
Starhub's student plan with unlimited free smses :D:D
After I get the plan, you guys can text me random msges all you want when you're bored xD
AND I'D ACTUALLY REPLY. How awesome is that?
Lmao.
Be patient.
I exploded my bill this month, I shall pay my dad for it but WOOOOOO NEW PLAN HELLOOOO THEREEEE

XD

And very soon, I will love Joshua Wong very much too.
He won my heart really, gosh, guys you should take a lesson from him hahahahahha.
just one lesson,
caz other than that, he'd be teaching you how to annoy me.
BUT NEVERTHELESS,
I shall be tolerant xD

It's a strange feeling I have now.

I am so very happy.
Yet so very sad.
And so very stressed.
Yet so very driven.
So very tired.
Yet so very in need of exercise.
I so wanna be left alone.
But I'm craving for a special someone.

I'm so very sorry.

Caz I complain so much.
Yet I have short attention span too.

I wish things could be different.
I wish I wasn't too different.
I wish I could stop erasing people.
It's not just that I can because I want to.
I just can't help it.

-11734
Sometimes, we don't have a choice.

[18] 24/07.

2008-07-24T00:04:00.003+08:00

HAPPPPPPPPPPPPPPPPPPPPPPPPY

BIRTHDAYYYYYYYY

KHALISAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAH TAAAAANNN! :D:D:D

you're finally legal, you big baby!

have an awesome one and kick that test's ass.

i love you!

Quotable Quotes

2008-07-22T22:16:00.004+08:00

I can't be arsed to blog.
But I am finally reading a book for the first time in a year.
And I know I shouldn't be, because I should be mugging for exams but HECK I WANNA READ RAWWWWRRRR.

O_O

It's been forever since I last read :(

I'm reading For One More Day by Mitch Albom.
AWESOME AUTHORRRRR.
I wish I had the gift for words.

Oh and I've set up two more blogs now.
:D
One's a secret blog for my secret rants.
The other's just for my musings. For the deeper side of me :)

If you wanna know the url, please ask me personally. Don't worry, I won't bite :)
Ask me at elle4loser@hotmail.com
:)

Don't be shy, I can't do anything to you anyway over the net.
But in person... I could possibly bite your arm, or scratch your face. Depending on which is closer.

I'm kidding.
:D

Now I'll go continue reading. I'll mug tomorrow really :/
(I know I procrastinate, shhh)

Here's a quote from For One More Day by Mitch Albom for you before I end off.

You can be a mama's boy or a daddy's boy, but you can't be both. So you cling to the one you think you might lose.

-For One More Day
Mitch Albom

-11653
Let the rain come down and wash away my tears

@$%$^%!#

2008-07-20T13:35:00.001+08:00

I am going to bite someone.
RAWR.

-11607
Everyone decides to be absolutely annoying on my well deserved weekend.

That '70s Song

2008-07-17T22:32:00.002+08:00

05 That 70s Song.wma - The Cab

And lately I've been walking
From all these places that I cannot stand
I guess it's just my history talking
Or I'm refusing to supply your demands

You say the storm will pass
We'll work it out
The road can get a little rough sometimes
I'll move it fast without a doubt
Our hearts will beat in separate rooms tonight
But tonight

Baby, we belong alone
Guess my second chance is blown
Baby, we belong alone
I got another you at home
Baby, we belong alone, alone

And lately you've been knocking
But I never really listened or cared
'Cause when I told you I was walking
I was reeling her in with my stare

You say the storm will pass
We'll work it out
The road can get a little rough sometimes
I'll move it fast without a doubt
Our hearts will beat in separate rooms tonight
But tonight

Baby, we belong alone
Guess my second chance is blown
Baby, we belong alone
I got another you at home
Baby, we belong alone, alone

Baby, we belong alone
Guess my second chance is blown
Baby, we belong alone
I got another you at home

Baby, we belong alone
Guess my second chance is blown
Baby, we belong alone
I got another you at home
Baby, we belong alone, alone

-11558
Take this dismay. Lay claim to this mistake.
Look straight along the lines of this reverse.
-James Fenton

I snorkled. I dived. I saw. I touched. I loved.

2008-07-17T00:19:00.006+08:00

"The waters! It's beautiful!"

"Yah... This is so cool OMG YOU CAN SEE SO MANY FISHES HERE!"

"Erm yeah, HURRY UP THEN."

"You mean we can feed fishes with the bread?"

"Cool right?"

"OMG GIVE ME SOME."

"Hahahahaha"

"The fishes are so hungry..."

"Oh my god, they're surrounding us!"

"AAAHHHH AAHHHH THEY'RE EATING ME AAAHHHHH AAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHH!!!"

I'm kidding. That did not happen.

"The fishes are so hungry..."

"Yeah! Look at all the fishies surrounding us!"

"Hey! Stop that."

"Hehehehe"

"I MEAN IT. Stop throwing the bread at me."

"Hahahaha."

"Stop it! Ouch! GOD I said stop it! OUCH! THE FISHES ARE BITING ME."

"HAHAHAHAHA."

"DAMN YOU DO NOT THROW ANYMORE- Ouch!- BREAD AT MEEEEEEE."

"Wheeeee!"

-11534
One equal temper of heroic hearts,
Made weak by time and fate, but strong in will
To strive, to seek, to find, and not to yield.
-Alfred Lord Tennyson

short random posts

2008-07-15T23:05:00.003+08:00

You see, I have been busy.
And I don't have time nor energy to blog but I shall strive to publish one post per day, who cares if it's short and random.
I don't know why but I just feel like it.

Lmao, a proper post would include me posting up the rest of the stupid Langkawi pics.
which I will do later, if I am bothered to.

In a bid to make myself a better person altogether, I have thought up of several resolutions to keep to.
(You don't need New Year's to have resolutions)

#1

Stop cussing.

Yes that's right.
Who'd like to wager on this?
I say, I can go without vulgarities for the rest of the week.
Of course, words like 'shit', 'bloody', 'damn', and 'frikken' do not count.
They are in fact, my substitutes :D

Because in case you haven't realized, I am that vulgar.

#2

Mug.

Or as Jacob refuses to acknowledge the existence of that local slang, I shall study really hard. I shall maintain the cleanliness of my room, organize my notes and revise every damn day of my nerd life.

Sighh

Why I have decided to stop cussing altogether is...
I think I have used enough vulgarities for three lifetimes today.

I rushed through the Aquaculture project with Cassandra, completing both report as well as powerpoint slides in one day, or should I say, one night.
No thanks to the other two members of our group, which pissed me off greatly.
Anyway, I have exhausted all profanity and swear words available and also I feel I should get over this already. So there shall be no rants :)

However, as unpopular LC maybe, several people took great delight in watching my show.
You see...

I am not a biased person.
Friends or not, if you piss me off due to laziness, excuses, or perhaps plain stupidity or present me your work of which is of unbelievably bad quality, I will speak out.
If I want to.
And this morning, I wanted to voice my utter displeasure (understatement of the century) and I did.

I feel I have been reasonable.
I feel that I have not crossed any lines.
And I feel,
I do not have to apologize for my outburst.
And I will not :)

It's not personal.
It's just projects. When it's the last straw, I will explode. That's just me.
AND BOY DID EVERYONE ENJOYED IT EH?

You guys are terrible! It's bad enough almost the entire lecture hall disliked LC, it's bad enough that his own ex-classmates (ahem ahem you know what you did) dislike him, it's amazing how such an irritating guy who irritates so many people...

...have not yet received an outburst.

It seems I am the first one to snap and explode onto him.

And you terrible people, I bet you guys enjoyed the show.
Exciting right?
HORRIBLE.
I mean, if nobody tells him... he'll never know.
And now he knows how lazy I find him, and he probably hates me, but if he does he's stupid.
Caz I'm obviously doing that oblivious jerk a favor by WAKING HIM UP.

A smart person would learn from this incident, and see what could be improved.
Perhaps, gain more friends along the way.
I can't say everyone's my friend, I do try as far as possible to be considerate.
Perhaps in personality clashes, it really can't be helped.
But,
when so many people gossip about you and simply can't stand you.

It's time you stop being so oblivious.

So hypocrisy is not the way to go people!
When you don't like me, tell me!
When you don't like LC, tell him!

Moral of the story,
honesty is the best policy.

I told you I'd snap at him.
He was corroding my patience away...

News spread like wildfire.
Apparently, people are congratulating me.
Lmao, it's not funny ok?! I was really pissed.
Thinking about it pisses me off -.-
Nevertheless,
like I said,
I don't mean to hurt anyone.
I'm just being honest.
I'm just being pissed :D
So too bad, your fault for pissing me off.

Oh, and though I may seem 5843234567 times bitchier in Poly,
I realized I'm not a bitch afterall.
I'm actually relatively...
nice.
Lmao.

Believe it or not.

-11514
And I wept both night and day,
And he wip'd my tears away,
And I wept both day and night,
And hid from him my heart's delight.
-William Blake

Before and After

2008-07-14T22:36:00.005+08:00

Me, when I was 16 with geeky glasses, braces and short hair!

Now at 18, acting as sec sch girl in Poly Xperience.

Me the poser!

The skit team. And Candy can't control her laughter.

Candy at it again! And omgosh look at my horrendous eyebags...

ah, we looked at the wrong camera.
And the flash made us look really really dark for some reason.

:) I have gorgeous friends xD
And looks like I haven't changed much.

-11469
For the moon never beams without bringing me dreams.

The Man Who Can't Be Moved

2008-07-13T22:49:00.003+08:00

The Man Who Cant Be Moved - The Script

Going back to the corner,
where I first saw you
Gonna camp in my sleeping bag,
I’m not gonna move
Got some words on cardboard
Got your picture in my hand
Saying if you see this girl can you tell her were I am
Some try to hand me money
They don’t understand,
I’m not broke I’m just a broken hearted man
I know it makes no sense
What else can i do?
How can I move on
When I’m still in love with you?

Cause’ if one day you wake up
and find that your missing me
and your heart starts to wonder
where on this earth I could be,
Thinking maybe you’d come back here
to the place that we’d meet
Then you’d see me waiting for you
on the corner of the street,
So I’m not moving
I’m not moving

Policeman says Son you cant stay here
I say there’s someone I’m waiting for if its a day, a month, a year,
Gotta stand my ground,
even if it rains or snows,
If she changes her mind,
this is the first place she will go

Cause’ if one day you wake up
and find that your missing me
and your heart starts to wonder
where on this earth I could be,
Thinking maybe you’d come back here
to the place that we’d meet
Then you’d see me waiting for you
on the corner of the street,
So I’m not moving
I’m not moving
I’m not moving
I’m not moving

People talk about the guy,
thats waiting in on a girl
Woah oh
There are no holes in his shoes,
But a big hole in his world
Ooh
Maybe I’ll get famous for the man who can’t be moved,
and maybe you wont mean to but you’ll see me on the news,
and you’d come running to the corner,
Cause’ you’ll know its just for you
I’m the man who cant be moved
I’m the man who cant be moved

Cause’ if one day you wake up,
and find that your missing me,
and your heart starts to wonder
where on this earth I could be,
Thinking maybe you’d come back here
to the place that we’d meet
and you’d see me waiting for you
on the corner of the street
so I’m not moving
I’m not moving
I’m not moving
I’m not moving

Cause’ if one day you wake up,
and find that your missing me,
and your heart starts to wonder
where on this earth I could be,
Thinking maybe you’d come back here
to the place that we’d meet
and you’d see me waiting for you
on the corner of the street

Going back to the corner where I first saw you,
Gonna camp in my sleeping bag and I’m not gonna move

♥
Thanks Ry
for making me cry
-.-

-11449
A girl with a future stays away from a boy with a past.
Which is pretty stupid since that boy has a future too.

Beyond.

2008-07-12T21:40:00.004+08:00

I am superwoman.
I swear I am.
FINALLY
EVERYTHING is officially pretty much SETTLEDDDD.

D;
Oh god I'm so tired.

Poly Xperience is finally over. I do not have to fret over rehearsals and my lines and acting and what have you.
I was so incredibly unbelievably nervous, especially since it's my first time PERFORMING A SKIT and actually exposing my acting skillz bebeh to 3456789876543456 secondary school students and teachers.

O_O

AND MY GOD WAS THERE A MILLION PEOPLE!
O_O
The Convention Centre is huge enough as it is and zomg looking at the number of eyes staring at me was daunting.
I was feeling nauseous mins before I went on-stage but of course, once in the limelight, I seem to forget the nerves and a strange sense of calm would wash over me.
Except for the part where I forgot my lines and bullshitted my way around.
THANKFULLY,
NOBODY
REALISED.
HAHA!

(I'm so bloody relieved)

I'm glad people actually responded and laughed and actually made some noise because I would die 3 times more if I was a complete idiot up there.
And I was, but it was an intentional sort of thing. You know.. trying to be funny.
AH WHATEVER
IT IS OVERRR BEBEHHH
:D

Of which, after everything was done, we'd help out with Ambassador duties, ushering people, answering questions, being wonderful hosts to our visitors.
And I will smack anyone in Ambs who doesn't take this job seriously because I am extremely proud to be part of the face of Ngee Ann.
I must say though, so far, everyone has been absolutely wonderful and the juniors are promising.
Although clique-ish.
Which worries me, because I was in Langkawi during the Training and Bonding camp so only a few of them know me.
The old me wouldn't have cared, but the current me actually feels a sense of commitment (amazing!) so I really want the group to have good team dynamics, including between seniors and juniors.

After Poly Xperience, I had to go for Debate Training Camp, of which I conveniently forgot about.
So, I didn't bring anything.
But I love the people there all the same, Char was being wonderful lending me her towel after she used it, which was amazingly o_O dry when I used it to dry myself after a quick shower.

And oh, had a debate with the juniors while our trainer adjudicated; got a shitty motion, but we pulled through! WOOO!
AND I SAW RUBBHINNI AHHH at macs when we went there for dinner, omgggg
I havent seen her in eons :(
She should be in the plane to Perth right now, GOOD LUCK BABES!

While we were walking back to school, me and Joshua were talking about Syed.

Me: I don't get it! Why does Syed like to pick on me? All the time?!

Joshua: Because you're nice to fuck- PICK ON.

Me: O_O

Me: HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!!!

Joshua: ...

Me: STAY AWAY FROM MEEE! HAHAHAHAHAHAHA!

Everyone was wondering why I went crazy, and burst into uncontrollable laughter after I told them. Also, word traveled fast so now Jac and David knew about it eventhough they weren't there.
Amazing.

I was amazingly hyper after Poly Xperience and couldn't sleep till 3 am.
While one by one, everyone fell asleep, I stayed up talking to Toad (who was once again extremely idiotically funny- you might wanna check the temp secret blog for this) and read Nic's Cleo magazine while listening to the musical of snores.
My god, debaters sure snore like TOADS.

And while I was reading on 100 sex facts you never knew on Cleo, someone moaned in their sleep.
What the hell...

HOW DISTURBING.

Lmao and funny.

KF was awesomely nice, he woke up at 3am decided he couldn't sleep so he did his work on his laptop and offered me his sleeping bag.
BIG THANK YOU TO YOU!
(I would hate to let every good deed go unappreciated :D )
The room was REALLY ANTARTICA seriously, and I snuggled deep inside the sleeping bag like a burrito.
Like a waaaarm toasty burrito..
MmmmMmm...

Training lasted the entire of today, and I AM FINALLY HOME
And so so extremely tired.
Mentally and physically.

It's ridiculous to have 3-4 projects going on, with Jap tests and assignments and a skit and still not be rusty at debate.
But for now, I'm gonna ignore everything tonight, DO NOT EXPECT ME TO WORK until I've had a good night's sleep.
:)

And maybe I'll blog better when I'm less brain dead.

Dammit, I miss Ry and Jacob like curraayyyzayyy.

:/

Oh and I don't know if I'm back to square one with my parents.
Because I told you, the guilt trip is way hard on me, they were really hurt. So was I, and they didn't realize that but I shouldn't be thinking of myself all the time right? I tried to explain, but they will never get it, they're narrow-minded that way and now they're just cautious of me, but they're ignoring things, never addressing the issue, never communicating. It's so painful for me, like I'm bound in invisible chains I put upon myself just because I can't bear to hurt my parents and it's RIDICULOUS but reasonably understandable, but ah well.
They have been trying to 'make up to me' or pacify me by being extra nice, getting durians, I know Dad's no longer angry with me caz he's trying to gain my approval, joking around and stuff.
It's so hard to tell them that I love you no matter how retarded you are but can you please give me some space to breathe, I am afterall old enough.
I'm not stupid. I really am not, but they're just so afraid to let me go, they want to keep me in this safe protective bubble they made for me forever, but it's a defective bubble of which I put a picture of me inside while time to time got outta it and actually learn the real deal and all those shits.
It's so hard not being me or just being part of me all the time, knowing that certain people will never ever ever accept that part of you ever.
And I know for certain, and don't tell me to try caz I'll be making an irreversible impression that might scar, I just want to be me.
I want someone to accept me for me.
For being a contradictory confusion.
I don't think this is remotely possible.
My parents are not helping.
They think they are but they never do.

(EDIT: BIGGESTTT thanks to Jtan for helping me get rid of my leg cramps! You're awesome you fatty! xD)

-11420
Do I follow my heart or follow my head?

And so we were talking

2008-07-09T13:57:00.003+08:00

Sharon: *mimics Nithya*

Nithya: I sound so childish!

Sharon: Yeah, that's how you always sound.

Nithya: Maybe I should change...

Sharon: You can try shutting up.

Nithya:

Sharon:

Me: ?

Me:

Sharon:

Nithya: ...which is really difficult!

Me and Sharon : HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!!!

-11365
Normal is boring.

An Indefinite Hiatus.

2008-07-07T11:04:00.003+08:00

Oops?

Okay, so my dad's confiscated my laptop and my handphone.
Hallelujah.
So, sorry Ry I can't text you anymore. And yeah, everyone else, don't bother contacting me.
I'm at Cass Lee's house now, borrowing her lappy.
She's waving at the screen.
Ah.
Psychotics need friends too.
I'm so nice.

I'm kiddingggg.
Maybe.

anyway, the reason I'm in so much shit now is because I went to Cass Ng's Band Performance even though my parents didn't allow it.
But I promised her I'd get outta the house no matter what so tada!
Anyway, I thought my parents were just being unreasonable and I WAS PERFECTLY reasonable, come on, it's a concert band performance, I'm not gonna watch My Chemical Romance and mosh and headbang with all those shizzle people with eyeliners so thick, it's... so thick.

Hehe.

Lmao, sorry, psychotism is infectious.
>.> *looks at Cass*

NEVERTHELESS,
I totally did NOT regret it :D
Dad was like," Where are you now?"
In a very not angry voice.

"On my way."

"On your way where?"

"To the concert."

"I TOLD YOU NOT TO GO TO THE CONCERT RIGHT?"
(Now that's the angry voice.)

"..."

"YOU GO CONCERT YOU DONT COME HOME!"

*clicks*

But I went regardless, smsed my mum that I'm sorry, I'll be home by 9pm latest.
Eventhough Dad told me not to go home, I went home, because I know parents are stupid like that.
If I really stayed out, they'd freak out even more.

I had Starbucks with XT before I went home, which cheered me up greatttllyyyy. So I was pretty much in an okay mood.
Dad could yell at me, take my laptop and handphone, deliberately switch off the tv when I'm watching it, nag nag nag, came back and turned off the fans too (I guess he wasn't satisfied with my lack of reaction), nagged sumore bla bla bla, and all I did was ate my Maggi Noodles YUMMMM it was so good really- I know I'm outta point.

Oh wellzzzz.

Okay, Cass is bored now, so I'll have to magically turn into a monkey and walk on a tightrope while juggling oranges to entertain this bigger fatter monkey.
I'm gonna miss you guys on my lappy.

Nyeh.
I'm going to go out as and when I want to now.
If they kick me out...
AWESOME.
:D

Much loves,
the rebellious obedient one.

-11318
Charlie bit me. Owwwwwwwwwwwww..ch.

Cyanide & Happiness @ Explosm.net

A million years.

2008-07-04T23:19:00.003+08:00

Piano & Guitar. Slow . Relaxing . Emo . Gay .

Caught up in what's in
Caught up in the things that everyone wants
Caught up in what's out
Caught up in the things that you could do without
What if I was one of them

So I will say
If I lived for a million years
I would be right there to catch your tears
Will you get over it this time
And is this the last time

On this night we breathe air
What makes it so different
What makes you not care
Well I wish that we could be the same
And I wish that you could give up this game
Don't want to be one of them

And so i will say
If I live for a million years
I would be right there to catch your tears
Will you get over it this time
If this is the last time, then
Will you say goodbye before you leave
Will you say goodnight
Just one more time please
Will you call my phone out of regret
And will you love again
With other than me, Other than me
Will you speak of me, with other than me
Will you remember me
(And will you remember me)
And will you remember me
(Will you remember me)
Will you remember me

If I live for a million years
I would be right there to catch your tears
Will you get over it this time
And is this the last time, yeah
(Is this the last time)
Oh, is this the last time, my dear
Well, is this the last time
Yeah, is this the last time, my dear
Oh, is this the last time
Well, Is this the last time, my dear
Is this the last time
I think it's the last time for us

screw this

2008-07-01T23:10:00.005+08:00

I'm so tired. It's like, I want to, then again I don't want to. And I don't know, ___ just puzzles me sometimes. And add in the fact that I don't see ____ often, so I feel I don't really know ____ now. And I want to know _____ better, I really do, but look at me now, barely have time to handle myself, and I'm not clingy, so I just wanna be really sure and really secure in the beginning before just letting go and let things flow. I'm sorry. Maybe I have issues too. Maybe I have commitment issues? Security issues, I must be as insecure as Cass Lee or we'd never get along as well. And I must be too analytical. Maybe I should stop being so anal, but I can't help it, to pick at people's flaws that I think ultimately would cause things to not work out.
Maybe I worry too much.
Maybe I just suck.
Maybe I'm just right.

And I don't know, but I hope and hope that I know what to hope for soon caz I'm just really all over the place.

I passed 2 papers, I failed 2 papers.
Shit?
I'm gonna have to mug for the retest.
Cass, you have to stop inviting me over to your place caz I have 87434567876543 things going on, and I keep procrastinating, I need to be alone, because I work well alone, stronger self-discipline, and friends just makes me wanna have fun all the time, which is bad bad bad eventhough I love you guys.

I'm lethargic recently, which is bad.
I slept in Aquaculture practicals with my mouth wide open. In front of the teacher.
Awesome, I'm just so amazingly glam.
And I continued sleeping right on through while everyone got in groups and started killing diseased fishes by stabbing them O_O urgh thank god I was sleeping like a pig.

I wish ____ would call me back. I feel like apologizing. But I don't know what for.
I'm right, right?
How do you know when you're not being stupid?

ARGH I SHOULD SNAP OUTTA THIS.

Lmao, but it's better than whining about work.
I resent this.
I feel so typically Singaporean-ly work-a-holic-ly.

I need to pee.
BRB.
Oh and here's pics on the ferry.
In Langkawhee.
Lmao, I am so rhyming.

Journey to Pulau Payar for Snorkelling and Diving

You see, I'm a girl who can't sit still. So, after awhile, I got bored, and I found out that we can actually walk around and explore the ship.

Mountains and seas are awesomeeee.

So I went to the top deck nyehehehe.

I think the ferry is so retardedly pretty xD I love it!

Homer Simpson is creepy, caz he keeps taking photos of me.
ALL THE TIME.
I'd turn around and catch him snapping a shot of me in ultimate unglamness :(
See! He's doing it again!

Fugly legs thanks to bad camera angle. BUT I LOVE THE WATERS.

Where we spend our journey sleeping/ tanning in the awesome windy wind.

My ugly fat legs and Philbert's hairy ones.

We all got to be Captain for a min haha. I'm putting up Philbert's pic caz he looks so apt, especially with the matching top. And not mine caz I look freaking unglam and the others were bad shots taken by me :( sorreh.

This is for taking so many unglam photos of me!
:D
How cool is that? We're in the crew only zone :D

And down the steps back to our seats.

03 Ill Run.wma - The Cab

I can see it in your eyes, you're scared
All these things they force you to do aren't fair
I'm here to chase away these tears
And baby we can chase away these fears

(Because)sometimes baby you fall on your back
But girl you're three times the lady I'll ever have
And you know, you know it's true
This is a fight I refuse to lose

And I'll run (and I'll run)
Have a little faith in me
You're scared and alone
And I'll run (and I'll run)
This is where we both break free
I'll bring you home (you home, you home)

I can hear it in your voice, you care
Let me run my fingers through your hair
I'll keep you company at night
And baby I'm here to make this right

(Because) sometimes baby you fall on your back
But girl you're three times the lady I'll ever have
And you know, you know it's true
This is a fight I refuse to lose

And I'll run (and I'll run)
Have a little faith in me
You're scared and alone
And I'll run (and I'll run)
This is wear we both break free
I'll bring you home (you home, you home)

Believe me and don't think twice
And don't leave me or say goodbye
Believe me, believe me tonight
Believe me and dont think twice
Believe me

And I'll run
Have a little faith in me
You're scared and alone

And I'll run (and I'll run)
Have a little faith in me
You're scared and alone
And I'll run (and i'll run)
This is where we both break free
I'll bring (i'll bring) you home (you home, you home)

Have a little faith in me
Have a little faith in me (have a little faith, have a little faith)
Have a little faith in me (have a little faith, have a little faith)
If you have a little faith in me

-11249
When life gives you lemons, make lemonade.
Of which you would probably choke on because life's like that.

Cyanide & Happiness @ Explosm.net

aiyah :(

2008-07-01T00:34:00.002+08:00

I'm stressed.
:(
I am.
Sighhh.
Will blog soon.
If that's even possible.

Sexybacks

2008-06-24T21:34:00.007+08:00

I realized I really really really have a thing for sexy backs.
Seriously O_O
It's totally weird but I totally dig awesome backs.
AND I'm a sucker for tall-ies.
:(
I wanna blog about _____ caz I need to have an outlet to discuss this to myself >.> BUT I CAN'T because apparently, this blog is known and I kinda want this issue to remain personal and censored :(
HOW ANNOYING.
I want a secret blog :(
>.>

Maybe I'll go create one.

And errr just a heads up to guys, especially-

HAHAHAHA OK I JUST GOT A CALL, AND I NEED TO BLOG ABOUT THIS NOW.

Caller:
Harlow can I speak to (insert Dad's name)?

Me:
...?
(I couldn't catch what he said caz of his funny pronunciations)

Caller:
Uhh... Harlow, can I speak to (insert Dad's name)?

Me:
Oh, who is this?

Caller:
Err I calling from (insert agency's name) just to ask if you selling your home?

Me:
Umm, no sorry.

Caller:
Oh, are you the son?
(Sexist fucker...)

Me:
No, the daughter.

Caller:
Orh okay, so how you know you not selling?

Me:
Because I live here.
(I'm such a pain in the ass bitch hahahahahhaha)

Caller:
Erh no I mean have you discussed it?

Me:
Yeah, I'm sure we're not selling.

Caller:
Oh okay then thank you. Bye bye.

Me:
Bye.

Lmao I'm sorry but these real estate agents ANNOY ME because you wasted 3 mins of my life asking me redundant things AND worst of all, HOW DID YOU GET OUR NUMBER HUHH HUHH HUHHH???
Where's my privacy?!
It's bad enough you bother me with your calls, totally cheating my feelings, I like getting calls, it makes me feel loved but not from idiot agents like youuu!
>.>
And now you're trying to deprive me of my home? HUH? If I were to sell my house to you, where the hell dya want me to stay? THE STREETS??
Lmao, I'm being a bitch for no reason because it's fun bahahahaha.
Okay okay, I shall stop being such a Singaporean. Where was I?

OH YES,
I would like to warn guys around me, especially guy friends (guys who are interested in me doesn't count but this would actually be a bonus for you)
NEVER EVER EVER EVERRR
tickle my chin.

O_O

2 guys did this, within a span of two days.
OH MAI GAWD.

Apparently, my chin is quite a sensitive spot, I don't know about other girls but my chin just is.
And if you tickle it, everywhere starts tingling, my spine, my shoulders, my tummy, my fingers, my toes.
It's quite a nice feeling actually, but it feels very intimate, so GUY FRIENDS, DONT DO THAT.
O_O
It feels very wrong.

Really, and I'd start blushing like nobody's business.
And earlier today, Willmen the idiot who's trying to steal my darling away, nudged(?can't find the right word for this) my chin when I was being pissed (at him) and I almost flipped out on him.
-.-
NEVER DO THAT AGAIN :(

Now, if I had a bf I wouldn't mind him doing that every other day :D
But I'm still single *sigh* because I dig older, taller, sexy-backed guys and so far, there's only one guy fitting all three descriptions but he's a very bad bf-material (HOW SADDD- of which I cannot blog about this here) maybe more of a part-time lover material.
AIYAH.

Anyway, Willmen requested ~~these~~ this pics to be put up.

We went ice-skating!
Woo! And I know how to ice-skate alreadyyyy :)

The second pic to be put up is hideously unglam hahahaha SO I REFUSE to post it up. NYEH.

And ah, you can see how LC the hookworm is simply everywhere.
He annoyed me today.
AGAIN.
WHY OH WHY.
:(

Today was pretty much quite irritating.
Caz I woke up late AGAIN.
Skipped practical, AGAIN.
Late for lecture, AGAIN.
Didn't listen in lecture, AGAIN.
And pretty much wasted my time.

And wanted to go home with Cass, but WILLMEN YOU PIG.
I was ready to insult him like hell, but ah, I think I was very nice alrdy :D
The upside was I GOT TO SEE ASHTON.
And that's the only thing worth being happy about.
Because he's so insanely adorable but once again WILLMEN stole that from me.

YEARGH I WILL BITE YOU hahahaha

I guess I should start getting used to things.
And start making up my mind about other things.

Whatever it is, I LOVE RYAN TAYLOR TO BITS AND PIECES OF CHOCOLATE CHIPSSS
:D
Really, I do :)
How can you know me so amazingly well?? If there is another guy in Sg who knows me as well as you do, and fits the 3 criteria, I think I'd have found my Prince Charming.
But of course Prince Charming doesn't exist so TOO BAD.
Wait, Ryan does fit the 3 criteria.
AH SHITS THAT'S SO SAD.

And Jacob kinda knows me better than I know myself too.
But Jacob disappeared :(
So too bad for me, again.

Well whateverrrr,
I also love Ryan Taylor for intro-ing me OneRepublic's Say(All I Need).

♥Ryan'll always be my fave!
:D

Here's the song (I'll save more Langkawi pics for later, the awesome ones are coming up really xD and The Cab will have to wait too)

Say (All I Need) - One Republic

Do you know where your heart is?
Do you think you can find it?
Or did you trade it for something
Somewhere better just to have it?
Do you know where your love is?
Do you think that you lost it?
You felt it so strong, but
Nothing's turned out how you wanted

Well, bless my soul
You're a lonely soul
Cause you won't let go
Of anything you hold

Well, all I need
Is the air I breathe
And a place to rest
My head

Do you know what your fate is?
And are you trying to shake it?
You're doing your best and
Your best look
You're praying that you make it

Well, bless my soul
You're a lonely soul
Cause you won't let go
Of anything you hold

Well, all I need
Is the air I breathe
And a place to rest
My head

I said I all I need
Is the air I breathe
And a place to rest
My head

Do you think you can find it?
Do you think you can find it?
Do you think you can find it?
Better than you had it
Do you think you can find it?
Do you think you can find it?
Do you think you can find it?
Yeah, better than you had it (Better than you had it)

I said I all I need
Is the air I breathe
And a place to rest
My head

I said I all I need
Is the air I breathe
And a place to rest
My head

Whenever the end is
Do you think you can see it?
Well, until you get there
Go on, go ahead and scream it
Just say it

I am so totally in love with this song.
And I am so so tired, I have tonnes of things to do, urgh, screw you workload, I don't even have time to breathe, screw youuuu
:(
Goodnight.
I hope the mozzies bite.

-11077
Well all I need is the air I breathe, and a place to rest my head ♫
(Somehow, this song speaks to me.)

10 random things about elle/khalisah/loser/ksah/yada yada.

2008-06-22T23:03:00.005+08:00

haaah um huda? yup thats the name. elle's a freakin lazy ass so i decided to do this tag instead..siiiince she can't give two cows about this..anyhoo, here we goooo.

Nicknames.

She's got millions and I've kinda lost count. and she likes calling people a million
of other shit too like sotong, crazy pong/toot,piggy, psycho and if you've noticed how she likes naming her lecturers dandelion monster etc etc and the list goes on and on and onnn. i swear shes nuts. its like all her life she can't ever get people's names right and recently theres this other dude named monkey!

Travelling.

She loooooooves travelling and loves travelling even more than ever now since she went to langkawheeee? She once told me that if she doesn't end up meeting her Mr. Awesome shes gonna adopt 8485958696 kiddies all around the world and be this awesome social worker and die happily in god knows where. but i know seattle's gonna be the best place ever. right? :D

Fireworks ka boom boom boom!

SHE LOVEEEESSSSSSS fireworkssss more than anything. It makes her happy. I swear she'd sex them if she could. it makes her heart go WOOOO. so kidnap her to fireworks land and she'd fall in love with you instantly. if she doesnt, come back to me. you can screw me up.

Weird Eating Habits

maaan this girl can eat more than a fat boy who weighs 48596968966 more pounds than her. serious shit! she eats and eats and shes still so skinny like a freakin walking stick. she just seems to have this baddd tendency to eat at night. like laaaate at night. i swear every time i talk to her she goes "IM SO HUNGRRRRRYYY" or "brb, im gonna eat instant noodles" orrrr "I'm gonna raid the kitchen". and i've officially given up on her. cos nothing will stop her from eating. and guess what? she complains about her fat face 24/7. wonder why.

Bright Colours

Im not quite sure on this one but she likes yellow and orange and they're both digustingly oogleh colours. well yellow just looks like pee/urine/pissss and orange is just too orange....she claims that yellow is sooo pretty like sunshineeee. oh but WAIIIT she doesnt exactly have a favourite colour because her colours change depending on her mood. she is so weirddd.

Peppermint Candy Canes & Starbucks & Gummy Bearssss

OBSESSIIOOOONNNN. if she had those three in a day. she'd be an extremely happy kid. she loves them. but too bad she can only have candy canes once a year since christmas comes only well yeah, once a year. and they only sell them in s'pore during chrissie. according to heeeeeer. she loves gummy bears too. um cos they're colourful? lmao heck i dont know. but yes she loves them. but unfortch, they're too expensive. those in candy empire thats what she said. and who doesnt loooove STARBUCKKKKSSS?!

Tattoos

Bahahaha. she hates tattoos. they freak her out. so guys. if any of you got one or millions. or prolly just a lil teeny weeny one thats barely visible. shes gonna hate youuuu cos she finds them disgusting and fuhreeekyyyyy. oh yes smokers too. she hates themmmmmm.

Doodle Book

Shes got this book where she scribbles everything and anything on. if im not wrong, its one with black paper...when shes bored, she scribbles...when she pees she scribbles. when shes falling asleep in lectures she scribbles..and shes actually pretty good at drawing. hah i still have that everybody loves ryan thing on my comp :) SO STEAL HER BOOK it prolly has tonnes of awesome shit in there. i wanna read it one day.

Weirdo Magnet.

lmao. YUP SHES ONE! she often attracts tonnes and tonnes of weirdos. its just not so coincidental anymore. it has sorta become a part of her life. they seem to like her a lot. and she seems to like them a lot toooo. like heapssssssssss. haaaha.i can name a few. one by the name of _ _ _ _ _ and _ _ _ _ _. justtt in case they read this blog too. like all the others who secretly read it but dont ever tag. buncha gay homos.

AND FINAAAALLLYYYY, shes had thoughts of turning bisexual.

WOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO. haven't we all? cos i have. or maybe we're just weird. once she even thought she went lesbo cos she couldnt fall for any guy. haha weeeeirdo. YESSS IM DONEEEE WOOOO. it really isnt as easy as i thought it would be. but im done!

Hello Goodbye.

2008-06-21T14:03:00.008+08:00

Hopefully this will be the last Langkawi post because! there! are! too! many! picturessss!!

In Malaysia, they served us tea.
Every.
Single.
Day.
Cass Lee should go crazy (since she hates tea).

And rice was always served in a big container/bowl thingy thing.

Apparently our tour agent ordered the same dishes everyday. We were going crazy seeing the same fishball/seaweed soup.

Ah, this is CC being gay. Hahahaha he's awesome at it.

HOMER SIMPSON!
Seriously! Hahaha he is constantly taking pictures of me IT'S DISTURBING.
Lmao, he takes them when I'm not looking either!
o_O

Back in Crescent, Cass Ng the retard would always randomly make funny contorted constipated faces in random, especially when we're sitting down quietly. I would then burst into laughter and she would too and the whole group of us would laugh our asses off. THAT was how ridiculously random we were.

Apparently, I must still have retained that because I have been making people laugh with my facial expressions.
-.-
Ooops?
Well, I'm sorry for being dramatic! :D
The boys here are being such evil knievils. They enjoy imitating me.
Of course, they're never accurate :D
The above picture shows them mimicking me while I was laughing and taking photos at the same time.
I told you they were meanies! Fancy making fun of me like that xD
(OOPS big smiley face for you there.)

In frustration I covered my face, so they couldn't mimic my facial expressions.
But oh they were clever.

CC and Tim.
Where CC has successfully acted gay once again.

In Langkasuka Resort.
HOW AWESOME ARE THE BEDS HAHAHAHAHHA
BIGGGGGGG AND BOUNCYYYY.

Of course, the child in me simply CANNOT RESIST THIS, so I jumped on my bed alot, which leaves Cass Lee in constant fear that I might jump through the ceiling and create a big hole.
She was worried about the ceiling and not my head by the way.

However, both of us are such wimpy wussies.
We're afraid of strange places, thus we both shower with the door wide open, just in case.
Lmao, of course, no lesbian action going on, I'd just watch tv and not walk past the toilet when she's in it.
Also, Cass is a very insecure child, so I had to share one bed with her, less she feels lonely. Poor me! I couldn't roll around in my big big bed!
Hahahaha (actually in Alor Star, Kedah 's hotel, we shared one singles bed too eventhough there's two. We're chicken! Bite us!)
In all honesty, the room can be quite creepy since it's so big and there's only the two of us.

HOHO
And I'm lazy AGAIN.
I think there're two more batches of Langkawi photos to upload before I'm done.
Sorreh :/ Haha BUT LANGKAWI'S AWESOME SO TOO BAD.

Aaaanyway, recently I went out with the Langkawi people.
:D Yay!
(And we're meeting up again on Sunday and Monday lmao)
Me and Cass went ice skating with Men, Monkey, LC (damn) and Monkey's friends.
I was hoping everyone else would tag along caz I kinda dread socializing haha, I mean gosh, hafta make new friends all overrr agaaainn.
But Monkey's friends were quite nice :)
Of course me and Cass bugged Monkey and Men alot.

Men was late so we went skating first, AND HO HO HO I KNOW HOW TO ICESKATE NOWWW!!
I even taught Cass how to iceskate! (since she forgot how to and the last time she skated was eons ago)
I am sooo proud of myself! And it's only the second time in my life I was on ice!
:D:D:D:D
Monkey kept scaring us, like how Josh and Dahliah used to torment me the first time I went ice-skating with them.
Now all I have to do is wait for Men to get on the ice, then it's my turn to torment him :D
MUAHAHAHHA
how exciting!
*gleaming eyes*

Oh and thaaaankk youuuu Monkey many many for the treats!
You are teh awesomessttt XD
Lucky for me, me and Cass got in iceskating for free (woahaha) caz Monkey knows someone or something and IDK WHAT HAPPENED but yeah it was free. (But Monkey had to pay hahahaha how ironic)
And he treated me lunch tooo aiya you're so niceeeee
Because I AM IN DEBT.
Like seriously, I am slowly trying to clear it.

We also went bowling and played pool.
Of which I probably suck at both eventhough I didn't bowl and didn't pool much caz the cue stick thingy felt icky.

Had waffles and chocolate fondue and ice cream later caz I had to leave early at about 9pm and they didn't want to watch a night movie without me (a deliberate ploy to make me feel guilty). Monkey treated me to that too! AWESOME MONKEYYYY :D:D:D
And it was about the nicest day, ignoring the fact that me and Cass tried to steal Men's cap many many many times.

Before I end off, here's the pic of Men I promised him I'd put up haha.

And no unglam pics of me is ever gonna appear on this blog :D
See his cap?
We're gonna steal it :D
Nyeheheh

-10994
Seeking solace, finding none.

Today, I'll love you.

2008-06-21T02:26:00.004+08:00

Today I’ll love you
I’ll miss you when you’re away
May you be always safe I’d pray
My eyes would smile when you’re around
My heart would sing a joyful sound
Today I’d feel for you
And today I fear the day
The day friends become acquaintances
And acquaintances to strangers
I fear the day feelings diminishes
Diminishes to nothings
The day we depart from one another
And the happening would be insignificant
That day would be of no loss
Neither hurt nor pain nor anguish nor burn
But today, I mourn for the lost on that day
As today I feel for you
Today I love you
I feel for that fateful day
When we have nothing left to say
Choosing to walk on different paths
No longing nor prayers nor smiles nor laughs
Today I feel for you
The hurt the pain the anguish the burn
And worst of all the potential loneliness
The potential loss
But it is your words that give me hope
And your hope that keeps me moving
Your promises your assurances
That you will stay and always stay
That things would always be this way
If one day you do not appear
I should not worry
I should not fear
Because you would always be in my heart
Your love for me would not depart
That way you’re never really gone
With hope we both believed that fallacy
Ah fallacies, we could be wrong possibly
With hope we lived for today
Nostalgia for yesterday
As today you love me
Tomorrow’s a maybe
But today I love you
I love you anyway

By Khalisah Tan

-10977
But there is always hope
For there is no definite
Let us seek solace in that alone

Langkawhee

2008-06-18T13:38:00.012+08:00

I know I know, I'm supposed to blog about dragon-boating and I have yet to do the tag by Huda but bear with me! I'm like that, I'm sorry haha.

From left: Tim, LC, CC, Philbert.

Me, Cass Lee, Sharon and Shalini, all of whom are my classmates, were kinda worried in the beginning. Because the people from our lectures that were going, are people we weren't close with and who knows? they might be boring. And there's like a group of people from some other course but in the same faculty (LSCT) and there were the Year 1s! Who knew what freshies are gonna be like? Dun Dun Dunnnn!

But we were proven wrong! These are the boys from our lecture.
They are the weirdest psychotic bunch. And they are endearingly ridiculous :)
Now, this is where I am going to be a bitch again.
And I apologize beforehand, I agree I have no right to judge people and insult anyone BUT I have to let this out or I'll go crazy.
The plain and honest truth is...
I really really cannot stand LC.
I'M SORRY.

There is simply nothing major that he did towards me, it's just that $%^$@%$%^
RAWR
Okay, this is not a good time to rant. So... maybe I'll tell you guys about him later.
(And I belatedly realized that if I were to blog about him later, I should protect his privacy and censor the pic right? So no one would know who he is except.. the ones in the picture and the ones who went to Langkawi with me... so guys, do me a favour and not circulate this, but I really need to let this out later as I've a feeling I'm gonna explode on him soon.)

At the jetty!
Err...
You know the more I post pictures up, the more irritated I get because his face is always there.
I'M SORRY, once again.
Because he always sticks to us, like elephant brand superglue, and I REALLY DON'T APPRECIATE IT. Sighhh I AM A BITCH I CANT STAND MYSELFFFFF
I am going crazy :(
Aiyah... go find another clique la LC, :( before I abuse you to your death :(
WHYYYY do you put yourself in such danger? ~.~
I must really try to be more tolerant really.
(why oh why is his face everywhere in my photos sighhhh)

The ferry has dirty windows.

So me trying to take pictures of the outside is pointless caz it's all screwed up! But it's marvelous really the view :)

I tried taking the view outside the ferry's window anyway lol.

And we have arrived!!!

Philbert the gundu.

These pictures are all unedited so I apologize if the picture sucks or whatsoever because I am not pro! But Langkawi is so pretty, no amount of bad photography skills could diminish its beauty :D

Shalini and Sharon :)

More piccies next time caz I'm just slowww.
And also, I don't have much pics with me caz CC has yet to compile the photos from everyone else (where all my unglamness is) And I only have pics of the lecture bunch caz we weren't very close to anyone else in the beginning :)

Here's the second track to The Cab's latest album Whisper War.

02 Bounce.wma - The Cab

The Cab - Bounce
The lips that slip Are the lips that press
And the lips that leak seem to know you best

I put bodies into motion Keep this skin out in the open
Liars turn me on

Bed spread bandit since '89
You wear your heart on your sleeve
And threw mine to the sky

Bounce Bounce baby, Bounce back to me (You don't need this)
Bounce bounce baby, Bounce back to me (You don't need this)
This is it, Call it quits with honesty (You don't need this)
Every word is a curse let loose on me
Your mouth it moves but fails to speak
And when you use your lips they better be on me

The lies that tied your tongue in knots
Are the words that grew to hit my spots
So filthy, Dialed desire
Swallowed pride but spit out fire
Liars turn me on

Bed spread bandit since '89
You wear your heart on your sleeve
And threw mine to the sky

Bounce Bounce baby, Bounce back to me (You don't need this)
Bounce bounce baby, Bounce back to me (You don't need this)
This is it, Call it quits with honesty (You don't need this)
Every word is a curse let loose on me
Your mouth it moves but fails to speak
And when you use your lips they better be on me

Bounce bounce, baby (Bounce bounce, baby)
Bounce bounce, baby (Bounce bounce, baby)

So filthy, Dialed desire
Swallowed pride but spit out fire
Liars turn me on

Bounce Bounce baby, Bounce back to me (You don't need this)
Bounce bounce baby, Bounce back to me (You don't need this)
This is it, Call it quits with honesty (You don't need this)
Every word is a curse let loose on me
Your mouth it moves but fails to speak
And when you use your lips they better be on me

lyrics from plyrics.com

-10928
What is it that I should do?
That's best for me and best for you?

I AM BACK, BEBEH.

2008-06-16T14:02:00.007+08:00

(obviously Ryan hasn't been maintaining this blog lmao)

Langkawi
WAS SUPER DEE DUPER AWESOME.

I'm sorry, I know I missed like 98653684 things during the week I was away but IT WAS SO WORTH IT, IT'S SO TOTALLY AWESOME I LOVE IT I LOVE IT I LOVE IT.
I am terribly heartbroken now :(
Really, I am so very sad.

Now, the people in my lectures are nice, I genuinely like them, well most of them, the ones that I know, it's awesome joking around with you before lecture starts and it makes me feel like I have a lot of friends :)
Of course, we're not very close, we don't hang out but we are very comfortable with joking and talking and I think that if we all were to hang out, it'd go really well :)
But the fact is that we have our own cliques and there's no reason to hang out and blablabla I'm blabbering.

The point is,
THE LANGKAWI PEEPS WERE SO AWESOME I LOVE YOU GUYSSSSS. The first buncha people besides Cassandra that I felt were really having the same frequency as I was having.

I love you for being so crazy and impulsively jumping into the waterfall so when I finally was the 4th / 5th person to jump in, I didn't feel like a complete idiot while Sharon and Cass were clinging on to each other for dear life (HAHAHAHA)
I love you for being so crazy and so funny.
I love you for shopping with me and lunching with me.
I love you for calling me Mother Theresa too, you stupid dumbasses.
I love you for staying up the entire night playing cards and I earned like 3 pathetic ringgits.
I love you for going swimming with me.
I love you for letting me and everyone else bunk into the boys' room when I was frightened witless in that shitass City Villa Hotel.
I love you for being so protective in the dark alleys of KL.
I love you for the cheap late night movies.
I love you for having so many OCDs.
I love you for the dual suppers at Mamak's and watching the Euro 08 together.
I love you even if you took 45678987654345678 unglam pictures of me because I know you just love me and want my face in your phones because I can't possibly be that unglam, I must be amazingly beautiful even in a state of unglamness too (yeah right- *pukes*)

ANYWAY,
I shall elaborate more about you guys later, I'll let the pics do the talking.

The Journey To Kedah

Emo Cass

Our tour guide yah.

Woo mountains

Of mists and rain.

The mosque at night.

Our hotel.

The view outside our hotel windows.

More pics next time since I'm too lazy to upload all at one shot.
AND I AM SO DEPRESSED NOW, I wanna go back there.
And you know what? I've just realized that I don't have everyone's emails caz it's with Homer Simpson(let's call him that) the lecturer that went with us.
So, I'm greatly dependent on CC(the other student leader) to send me the list so I can spam everyone's inbox and hang out again :D
Oh, and Nuffnang tells me that someone googled "Khalisah Tan, Langkawi" and found this blog.
IF YOU ARE ONE OF THOSE CRAZY SHITASS THAT LOVES ME SO MUCHHHH you've found the right blog! :D:D:D:D
Add me now!
elle4loser@hotmail.com
I know someone found my blog through google, hurry I miss you guys so :(
See you next Sunday on our movie outing!
xxoo

-10875
True love stories never have endings.

elle's on hiatus. ryan, do your job.

2008-06-08T02:33:00.003+08:00

today started awesome. ended bad.
doesnt matter.
remind me to blog about dragon boating with hot hunky guys woo :D
i'll be off to langkawi for a week or so.
cya :) I'll come back with pics for you guys :)

sometimes. just sometimes.

2008-06-07T02:26:00.003+08:00

Its funny how people tell you certain things out of the blue moon.

And this time, it came from the most unexpected.

Sometimes. It makes me become aware of my surroundings. More.

A lot more.

There's this huge gap.

It's becoming a little too bright.

Too wide to mend.

Its out of reach.

I think I've lost it.

Cos I hear my head ringing.

Yeah.

It happens.

Just sometimes.

Embarrassing. Hilarious. Horrifying. Wonderful.

2008-06-04T20:33:00.009+08:00

It's one of those moments, when you do something, that made no sense at all- it's irrational in fact- but no, you did it anyway.
It's one of those let's-close-our-eyes-and-maybe-it'll-go-away moments.
It's a time when you look back and go, Oh god.

We were just done with our CCTA common test. It sucked, unsurprisingly. I think I'll fail it but whichever it would be, the drive has completely dissipated from me.
I am incapable of summoning up the will power to go hardcore mugging.
Especially when the last paper's Aquaculture.
Aquaculture, blah, fish, fish and more fishies.

Speaking of Aquaculture, let's not digress and here's the main point of my post today.

Something truly heart-stopping happened.

I lugged the pail of Tilapias over. It was time to measure the fishes; length and weight-wise. It's part of the Aquaculture practical sessions, ah the joys of life in a polytechnic. One by one, Cass scooped out a fish and placed it onto the tissue paper laid neatly on the table.
One by one, I used a ruler, measured their length and width, deftly picked them up with gloved hands and placed them on the weighing scale. Cass jotted down the readings I read out loud and I'd then return the poor oxygen-deprived fish back into acriflavine-stained water.

This was a perfectly normal routine for us.
Perfectly.
Normal.

"Pass me another one," I said after I was done.

With a net, Cass dropped a very limp fish on the now soaked tissue. It flipped about a little, and so I placed my palm over it, just in case it jumps away like the last time.

And just as I did, the fish did something that looked like a gasp before-
before..
puking a whole mass of coagulated blackness onto my fingers.
I looked at how the lumpy slime spilled outta its mouth and screamed.
And screamed.
And screamed.

I stared and stared, my eyes unwillingly riveted to the muck on the table and was horrified to the depths of my poor shuddering soul.

Cass freaked out, she jumped and ran away but I didn't notice.
I looked closer and realised that THEY WERE FUCKING BABY FISHES.
And so I screamed even louder.
In blind panic, I swear, I didn't know WHAT THE FUCKKKK TO DO!!!
I wanted to call for Cass and go, "CASSANDRA HELP THE FISH PUKED BABIES."
At the same time, I wanted to go, "FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK."
But what I really did was, "AAAAHHHHHHHH!!!!! AAAHHH!! AAAHHHH!! HELP!! AAAHHHH!!!!"

I screamed of course, not like your typical girly shrieking.
I screamed like a dying-in-pain-and-torture banshee.

And since the scream was injected with pure undiluted terror, the entire laboratory rushed over in a jiffy.
And they surrounded me and stared.
And stared.
And stared.

While I kept right on screaming.

And this is where I go," What the fuck was wrong with me?"

Like an idiot I just stood there and freaked out good and proper, while everyone just stared at the table, then at me, then at the table again.

Thankfully, a senior snapped outta it, picked up the idiot fish who vomited on me and dropped it back into the basin of water. She tried placing the tissue with fish babies stuck on it into the water too but they wouldn't come off.
So she rushed to a tank of water and another group's baby fishies and dumped the newborns into it.

All I did was gaped in complete horror.

All these while, our group has been trying our damnedest to keep our Tilapias alive, and yet 3 other groups' tanks found baby fishes in them.
How unfair!
Their number of fishes were increasing dramatically while ours was decreasing!

"Dammit man, why our tank no babies one?"

"I hope ours also got leh. Sian. They keep dying."

"Yeah I'm so sad. Idiot fishies."

And thus, today, I got bitten in the ass for insulting the fishes umpteen times.
Serves me right!
See la, I complain sumore la!
NOW IT BLOODY PUKED BABIES IN MY HANDS CAN?

And the icing of the cake was, I completely freaked out publicly. Ridiculously embarrassingly.
GRAHHH.
:(
It's bad enough I was feeling like shit over the dumbass CCTA common test. It's bad enough that it's the second day of my monthly bleeding outta the vajayjay, thus I have been losing blood, brain cells, and excessive hormones are swimming around in my system.

Now I am not a screamer. When I get shocked, I would jump or gasp or both.
When I am truly truly shocked and frightened, I would let out an involuntary squeal or shriek; like the last time I watched that Thai ghost story zomg scary sia O_O

But THIS is the FIRST TIME in my entire life, I screamed like nobody's business.
I think I shall blame the hormones but really, elle, you'd run outta things to blame for every idiotic thing you do sooner or later.

TO THINK! I have been rolling my eyes in disdain at the screaming girls in my all-girls secondary school.
AND NOW IT'S MY TURNNN.

I think I've just like given the entire cohort in my course something to talk about.
Awesome awesome, if I'm gonna get some flack for this(who knows?) I'd say...

BRING IT ONN
BECAUSE I KNOW I SO TOTALLY DESERVE IT
hahaha

horribly horribly embarrassingly ridiculous!

Oh well, I AM SO HAPPY TOO, caz we realized later that at least two idiot fishies had babies in their mouth so now our number of baby fishes are like WHOAA.
:)

Oh and after me freaking out, I felt a sudden urge to cry, puke and fall down at the same time. Weird eh? My hands and feet were cold too.
Wonders of the human anatomy.
And a psychotic girl's brain.

-10663
Enjoying tonight. Mugging tomorrow.

And Baby, I Keep Bleeding.

2008-06-03T20:21:00.006+08:00

While I was mugging, Jacob texted me.

JACOB
Piggy! Muax :) miss me yet?

ME
aww nvr has a day passed w/o me missing your piggier haram-ness :) muax!

JACOB
You're so not a muslim. You kissed piggier. Gross.

ME
and u kissed me too. gross. now i have to do the 7 step ritual twice.

JACOB
I don't :D and after i msg you just now, this tudung next to me took out her phone. I was like O_O.

ME
hello jacob chew. nyeheheheh. it's... obviously not me caz im mugging in e comforts of my home. :)

JACOB
I realised that when she didn't have an obesed face.

ME
i'll curse you for that. like a bomoh. pfhoo ugawaga.

JACOB
I will curse you like a jacob. Anwen anwen anwen!

ME
hahahahaha oh fuck you! stop distracting me frm my work and wasting my smses. have a nice night, you jacob.

JACOB
I'm your gigglesaurous. Pat me i'm cute and funneh.

Well, it's his own fault that we've never met before :)
Come online, poopy!

Ryan has been texting me from Malaysia truly asia too, that crazy wonderful doofus.
Texting me retarded things no less! Haha and once during my MicroBiology(MMB) Common Test >.> Tsk tsk.

MMB was okay I guess, I mean, I mugged like crazy for it, even stayed up till 3am.
This is a typical elle reaction to common tests as she is forever a last-minute person.
That, will gradually change :)
So yeah, been studying alot, like I'm talking about major mugging here people, I went to SMU recently to mug with the JC peeps, Cass Ng and XT my life's loves.
Went there at 9am? mugged till 5? of which the last 3 hours were a little unproductive caz my brain was kinda dying, so me and XT had a wonderful chat by TCC (YUMMILICIOUS).
I'm happy that thanks to all that mugging, I am confident answering 90% of the paper, which is bloody good news! Because I haven't had that kinda confidence in eons. I passed all my previous papers through pure ~~fluke~~ wit and common sense :D

Immunology was... no comments. Freaking woman freaked me out for nothing.
BUT I think I MIGHT just fail, or just pass. Because Immuno was flying outta my head like crazy.
I HAVE NO IDEA WHY.
It's like, I read this chapter. Then the next chapter, then poof! The previous chapter flew outta my head. The notes are like information overload! I'm gonna summarise everything for the finals.
Just so I won't go crazy studying for it.

2 down, 2 more to go.

I'm a little contented with myself. I think my self-discipline has improved VASTLY. And I'm so so sorry for going emo nemofied in my previous posts. Because when I'm in the mood, I tend to exaggerate my short comings.
WHICH IS GOOD.
Because then, there is a bigger need for me to improve!
Hahaha psycho myself into the right state of mind.

I must remind myself constantly. MUST. Because I am very good at being complacent.
You have no idea.
Ask my secondary school teachers. I'm popular over there.
Uh-huh. SOOO POPULAR I'm actually the second last student in my cohort.
:D
AND LOOOOOOKIE MY O LEVELSSSS
Actually, my O levels sucked. So I should stop being so happy about it. Sigh, see? I'm doing it again.
I should stop being satisfied so easily :)

Anyway, I'm blogging and not mugging now because I HAVE CRAMPS, quite unfortunate for me that I have the most excruciating cramps every month when some girls don't get cramps at all.
This is gay.
I'm gonna continue mugging like crazyyy after this. Despite the cramps.
The worst of it was over already. This morning, during Immuno, oh my god, SO ULTRA PAINFUL I wanted to die, so even more information was irretrievable due to the distracting pain in my womb.
Urh so pain so pain.
x/

Oh and by the way,

I LOVE ASHTON LIKE CRAZYYYYY OMGGG
I love him! He's so adorableeee! I did mention him once, but didn't have time to blog about him. Been going over to Cass Lee's place alot recently, to mug and all.
And Ashton is her cousin's son, which makes him her... I don't know whatever.

The first time I met him, he kept crying whenever he sees me lmao.
Caz my black tudung frightened him. I probably look like the angel of death looming over him or something.

But the next time I came, he smiled and laughed at meeeeee
UBER CUTEEEE I can't stand him.

Once, I bent over sideways to peek at him while he was on the mattress in the bedroom. He saw me, grinned, and started tilting as I was tilting. Until he fell over on the mattress then laughed.

HE IS SO RETARDED I LOVE HIM HAHAHAHAHA

And now, he starts calling me 'JieJie'. Which basically means older sis in chinese.
I think.
>.>
THE WAY HE SAYS IT HAHAHA SO CUTEE
Jiejie!
Jiejie!
Knocks on the bedroom door.
Jiejie!

Muahahahaha so adorableeee.

Oh and Cass Lee was evil today.

CASS
Yao pu yao?
(Want or not?)

BABY
Yao!
(Want!)

CASS
Hao pu hao?
(Good or not?)

BABY
Hao!
(Good!)

CASS
Yao pu yao?

BABY
Yao!

CASS
Hao pu hao?

BABY
Hao!

CASS
Hao pu hao?

BABY
Yao!

CASS
Hahahahhaha I tricked himmm!!!!

And I almost died laughing xD

-10622
And all these lines fall short of what I had in mind
A failed attempt to capsulize a feeling

windstruck

2008-05-31T02:01:00.004+08:00

hello it's 2am and I'm not asleep eventhough I'm meeting up with Cass Lee tmr to mug and I should be asleep but I'm not sigh what the hell is wrong with me I couldn't help it I was sick of immunology and aquaculture so I watched a little tv which dragged till 1.45 am thus here I am now blogging even though I am extremely dreadfully sleepy the movie was so incredibly sad it's a tragic dramedy and I cried when she cried but laughed a whole lot but I can't stand it I like that show so and don't ask me why I'm not using any punctuation I wonder if you can figure out where to pause or if I'm just going on and on like a bullet train

This would be the strangest point in my life, where I feel I am most alone, and yet most surrounded. I can't figure out which but it seems to be both at the same time, which of course nullifies the word 'most' thus it is neither.
Therefore, we can safely conclude that at 2am in the morning, after elle has cried her eyes out when Myung-woo died and left Kyung-jin 3 bloody times, elle's brain is incapable of proper functioning.

If I die, I want to become the wind again.
-Myung-woo

It's so sadd I can't stand it IT'S SO SAD and idiotically funny and rawr.
The more I stress myself out, the more irascible I seem to be, and I'm sorry, the mood may have rubbed off against others, and I wouldn't like that at all no sirree.
But what's worse than a combination of other's nescience and my irascibility?
You're doomed, I tell you.
I think 2 days won't be enough to squeeze everything in for common tests, and this hits me like a tidal wave of depression. And shock. And omgwtfbbq-ness.
Nevertheless I shall utilize every single hour in that 2 days.
God help me.

If you miss me, come back anytime. Even as the wind, come back as the wind.
-Kyung-jin

My eyelids are closing on me and my fingers are spazzing. I think I am quite secretly miserable, but I know shouldn't be, but I am, I know I'll snap outta this soon, I always do. Which leaves me to conclude that this is just a passing mood when my brain isnt working right.
An unknown number has just texted me.
Texted me a goodnight text.
Usually I'd feel warm. And fuzzy. And wonder who the hell is the random idiot whose number I not know texted me a goodnight text in the middle of nowhen.
But tonight I feel empty.
I shall snap out of this.
Nobody likes an emo kid.
And I hate emokids.
Woo!
I think..
I'm falling..
in love..
with..
dreams..

To Sleep

O soft embalmer of the still midnight,
Shutting, with careful fingers and benign,
Our gloom-pleas'd eyes, embower'd from the light,
Enshaded in forgetfulness divine:
O soothest Sleep! if so it please thee, close
In midst of this thine hymn my willing eyes,
Or wait the "Amen," ere thy poppy throws
Around my bed its lulling charities.
Then save me, or the passed day will shine
Upon my pillow, breeding many woes,--
Save me from curious Conscience, that still lords
Its strength for darkness, burrowing like a mole;
Turn the key deftly in the oiled wards,
And seal the hushed Casket of my Soul.
-John Keats

-10558
Breathe! Please breathe! Breathe, you fool.

Academic Emergency

2008-05-29T21:46:00.005+08:00

I'm supposed to be frantic right now but I'm not frantic enough.
I know I said I won't blog again, BUT TADA I JUST DID HAHA
Oh god, I'm so screwed aren't I?

I, once again, feel amazingly emo-nemofied. Because I had no school today but yet I have done nothing, nothing at all, shame on me!
Does my laziness know no bounds?!
RAWR!
Msn has been rather foreign to me now, it seems I come on only to set my status as 'Busy' deluding others and myself that I am actually doing something of utmost importance therefore I would not have time for any unnecessary conversation with anyone at all.
But the sad painful truth is that I am not doing anything productive, I would surf the net, watch videos, blog-hop, do anything else but my work.
My notes are probably screaming in anguish, not feeling my touch in eons.

It seems I will always be so determined, like now, blogging about how I WILL mug for my midterms, but I never do, I SUCK!
Big time.
I'm an all talk no action kinda person, which really is loathsome.
Sometimes I think I'm a very extreme person. I always seem to fall under the extreme ends of the spectrum of personalities.
One minute, I'm a people person, I cannot live in solitude, I'll always need someone to talk or laugh with, I need to be surrounded, and yet, in times like these, I wished I lived on a house by the beach, far away from civilization and be alone away from all these madness.

When in actual fact, I probably redefine madness. Woe be unto the insane who speaks neither sense nor logic.

I think, tomorrow, I shall stay back after school, to study, like how I used to do in the previous sem when I was honestly worried I was gonna fail my modules. But I told myself to do awesomely for my midterms and awesomely for my finals, I NEED THE GPA WHYYYYY isnt the urgency properly ingrained in me, AT THIS RATE UNIVERSITY IS AN IMPOSSIBLE DREAM, come on you dumb piece of lazy shit!

3 days to the common tests, what the fuck, elle, what the fuck.
What the fuck am I doing? And why am I so vulgar all over again, I told myself to tone down already, oh crap oh crap.

It's kinda sad, I'm drifting from Cobby and Ryhead as I get sucked into this vortex of dorkism. Well, Cobby hasn't been online much, ah yes you jackass, you can be sucha jerk towards me, and I must be a sadist to enjoy conversing with you anyway.
It must be like smoking, an extremely repulsive thing to do but people find it hard to quit. Nyeheh! But I will never smoke. Ah sick, quit smoking people, it's no longer attractive.

Smoking is SO UNCOOL. Please, don't delude yourself or conform to society's stupidity and ridiculous standards of what's cool and uncool. Use my standards. I think highly of myself and set high standards because I am such a tight-ass, so why stoop so low? Borrow my standards if you must.

Sorry, that's me going into one of my moods again.
And I'm lacking some lesbian loving, Ryan, my lesbian lover has drifted apart from me, it's normal with the workload piling upon our shoulders, we need to sort out our lives before having some lesbian cyber-sex on MSN.
I'm kidding, guys.
Ryan is a true blue manly macho man.

Old people like to read my blog, it seems, as Jacob has once pointed out in his tags on my tagboard. 10% of my readers are over 50 years old.
Great really.
DO I REALLY SOUND THAT OLD??
I'm just kidding. Hello wise ones, please leave a tag as to how I can sort this utter chaos that society has termed 'life' which is really just a nicer way of calling the shit you left behind on this Earth while you still have the breath of life God has given to you.

Dream lofty dreams, and as you dream, so you shall become.
-Jane Allen

And if in the end, you do not become, then we shall laugh at your failure!
:D Nah I'm kidding, you'd become something better than you thought you wanted to be, probably.
Ever the optimist, I am.
Har. Har.

Anyway, I'm quite relieved French is over. I hope I'll pass, caz obviously I won't be able to do well in it considering I HAVE NO IDEA WHAT THE HELL A WHOLE BUNCHA WORDS MEANT awesome awesome.

I shall give you guys the second track to The Cab's latest album Whisper War in my next post. Caz I'm just lazy to upload, just as I am lazy to write a Character of My Life post (as Jacob has pointed out) and also the flickr accounts one.
Ah you know I'm a procrastinator.
Forgive me.

Before I leave, those who will be going on the Langkawi trip with me after midterms (haha I hope I'll be able to enjoy it, because if the common tests suck, I'll be feeling guilty throughout the entire trip) here is your logo, your wonderful student leader, aka ME, has lovingly designed for all of you.
I hope it's nice enough for you,
because I personally like it myself.

-10527
Sing me something soft...
Sad and delicate ...
Or loud and out of key

Alien Mushrooms!

2008-05-28T22:32:00.009+08:00

Wanna see freakasses in the least likeliest places?

AWESOME, here you go:

No, it's not a fetus, although it eerily resembles one.
We found this in Cass Lee's bowl of tom yam and thought it was the sickest mushroom we've ever had to misfortune to meet.
It has the nerve to grin maliciously at us!
Even with its detached head from its body!

Some people hate meat.
Some people hate veggies.
And people like me?
Hate mushrooms.

Yucks!
My rationale is that fungi shouldn't be consumed. The idea of ingesting fungi(mushrooms, mould- aiya, same family lah) is nauseating!

But if you loveeee mushrooms, by all means, take my share of mushroomies in my tom yam too :)

And with pictures of evil fetus-resembling mushrooms staring back at me in my bowl, with a detached head bearing the creepiest smile-
I rest my case.

By the way, I WILL MUG FOR MY MIDTERMS so I will be off on a hiatus.
If I ever publish a post within these two weeks, please stalk me at NP's LSCT faculty and look for a tudung girl with a big black bag. And slap her face.
Yes,
I WILL NOT BLOG.
I will study hard :)
YesIwillnowshutupandstoplaughing.

Before I leave, here's the first track in The Cab's latest album, Whisper War.

01 One of Those Nights.wma - The Cab

One of Those Nights - The Cab

I've been let loose and now I'm crawling up the walls
Word is I got away and now I must be caught
Don't leave
Take it from me
I'll be more than a king
I'm going crazy and I've been awake for days
My mirrors are stained with painted portraits of your face
Don't leave
Take it from me
You're my dirty disease

My flat line inhibition
Is my ammunition
I'm just fighting to get by
Just spit me some direction
I'll be your infection
How could you leave me behind?

I'm a mess and you're worse
Just give me time to give you a waste of time
One of those nights
When you leave me for no reason
I'll give you a reason

If seconds heals all wounds
I'll put these tips on you

I brought apologies wrapped tight in a bouquet
Just to find out that my face had been replaced
Deceived
It was a breeze
I was tossed to the streets

If seconds heals all wounds
I'll put these tips on you
When faith is left to prove
It's all you have to lose

-10496
Exams are like pinatas. Just cover your eyes and WHACK.

I cried when Jack died.

2008-05-25T21:03:00.012+08:00

I love doodling especially when I am bored witless as my lecturers drone monotonously so tada! And I also love maxing the contrast like crazy :D
And apparently, I was feeling hungry that day (as always) thus the doodles of all things edible.

Aaaanyway, I AM BACK from JB, yes I went to JB for the weekend and I'm sorry I didn't tell any of you.
I am alive!

Maybe I'll upload pictures from JB, maybe I won't but chances are, I won't caz I AM GOING TO MUG LIKE CRAZY for Common Tests (I haven't forgotten my resolution to get a GPA of 4.0)
Common Tests repulse me greatly but nevertheless I shall work hard (yes, it's truly amazing hearing that from me) and I will bite your head off if you interrupt/ distract me in any way.

Oh and in case you're wondering about my title of this post; 'I cried when Jack died', it's caz I've just watched Ladder 49 and IT WAS SO SADDENING especially when Jack (the main character) died, with hopelessness written all over his face, like a defeated man who knew death was inevitable AIYA SO SAD MAN.
But it was just an okay movie made good thanks to Joaquin Phoenix who is a MARVELOUS actor really.
Ummm John Travolta wasn't very good but I shan't say more :)

Aaaand I totally forgot which scene this is.

Something TRULY AMAZINGLY WONDERFUL has happened.
My lovely penpal, we shall just call her Awesome Penpal (nyeheheh) HAS SENT ME SOMETHING aaaalll the way from the states (that's where she's from)

AND IT'S AWESOME AND SHE'S AWESOME AND I DON'T KNOW WHY I'M USING SO MUCH CAPS TODAY.

Firstly, here's the package;

Shut up. I know my smilies are retarded looking.

My mum flipped out when she received the package. She called me while I was in school.

"KHALISAH DID YOU ORDER ANYTHING FROM THE INTERNET?"

"What? Uhh hello Ma, and no I didn't. Why?"

"I got a package today! And inside got CD lah... got Poster got hat and sticker also."

"Okay... for me?"

"Yah! Your name and address everything also here."

"Oh... Oh. OH. DON'T OPEN IT. It's mine! My overseas friend sent it."

So anyway, here's what's inside;

THE MUSIC IS AWESOMEE and the band's only known in the states I think, either that or I'm just a mountain tortoise. Thus, this begins my introduction to Asia/ Southeast Asia/ Singapore of The Cab. From my next post on, I will upload a song by them each day onto imeem for your judgement :)

And I've got a poster of the band and the band's sticker from her too THANK YOU VEH VEH MUCHIE AWESOME PENPAL!!

What's awesomer is that SHE GAVE ME THIS REALLY COOL HAT TOO.
The label says Peter Grimm headwear and the inside looks as hot as the outside.

I shall end this post with me camwhoring (I've just begun to love camwhoring so yeah, it's a recent thing. I remember hating being in front of cameras :D and oh! oh! I only like camwhoring when I look decent in the pictures hahaha)

(EDIT: Did you take a good look? huh? Huh? HUHH?? MUAHAHAHA IT'S GONE! For those who didn't, you've missed your chance to see me with the most poser poses! For those who did, may your eyes be, some day, healed)

I AM SUCH A POSER hahahahahahhaha
okok
Maybe I'll delete the pictures later when I get disgusted with my camwhoring ways.
So TAKE A GOOD LOOK AND CIAOO~~

-10426
How is it that firemen can run into a burning building when everyone else is running out?

I miss yoooo, Jacob Chooooo

2008-05-20T21:01:00.009+08:00

I feel compelled to blog, even though my mood to blog is neither here nor there, just to push the shitty previous post down, where it isn't as prominent so as to not shock my readers the first thing they read on this blog.

I also feel unusually emo these days, it seems everything around me isn't up to my standards, I guess my mum was right.
I do think highly of myself.
:(

Let's make a list of things I'm irked about. (in no particular order)

a) A certain adult from a certain organization is behaving as immature as a spoilt sheltered 13-year-old.

You are an adult for God's sake. Don't make me bite your head off. I've been so nice to you :(
You are behaving ever so unreasonably.
And fake too.
:(
I may be 18 but I'm not a kid. I think I can take honesty. Screw political correctness.

But I guess, in situations like these, political correctness is part of your job description eh?

Oh well.
The not so well hidden grudge.
BLAH YOU.

b) Tutorial mates

It's not an unknown fact that I don't like a certain few of them and they, me.
And if you really dislike me, and like you know, enjoy bitching about me, which I'm totally cool with now. (So long as no slander is involved) Please stop being nice to me.

Because it's natural for me to be nice back, it's just basic courtesy.

So far, the obvious prick that can't stand me (and I have returned the favour wonderfully) have been ignoring me. YES GOOD. That's the way. Then I'll ignore you too and life is alright!
Because that way, no one can be two-facedly hypocritical yes?
And anyone else who does not ignore me and continue err.. I don't know, whatever you did, I will also return the favour and assume you do not secretly hate my guts :)

c) Unreasonable adults in the house.

Ah my parents. They love me too much I guess, such that they feel that by hitting me, it is for the greater good (?) The bruise on my arm is fading, fortunately, but it still hurts a little. And it's just a small bruise.
I am once again, joking around with my parents. These kinda things are easily forgotten, family don't bear grudges.

And well,
this irks me too because, I want a change, and you refuse to compromise, making me quite miserable, though you feel I should be happy with what I have now. And I am, but change is the only constant, and well, you are not making the necessary changes.
I'm a growing girl oh pleeeasseee, you can't baby me forever :(
I feel like I'm bound by iron chains with a huge ass giant ball of heavy love attached.

Mummy, Daddy, this is not healthy loving.

Please recognize my obvious cries for help as I throw them into your faces, and not respond by flipping out and eventually hitting me.

d) Judging me too quickly

This shall be inclusive of all the things I've self-censored but feel the need to address thus it comes under this heading; a common issue.

Don't be quick to act or feel a certain way(towards me in particular), just because I'm muslim, I wear the tudung, I act a certain way, I'm half chinese and half malay, I'm different, I'm whatever you perceive me to be.

Because I'm like the Transformersss!!!
More than meets the eye!
LMAO God, I'm so damn lame O_O

Aaaanyway, I am so amazingly behind in my studies, GOSH STOP PROCRASTINATING.
I drive myself crazy.

I have been taking lotsa pictures recently, I don't know why either, and I actually uploaded them on my com so...
Lemme introduce to you my friends.
(OH SHIT I forgot about the 'characters in my life' post as well as flickr accounts! I am SUCH a procrastinator!)

Sharon, fellow bitch :)

Abi, the one that's perpetually sleepy.

Cass Lee, fellow retard.

I've had this conversation before with both Cassandra Ng and Lee about how we're easily influenced by the people around us.
Cass Lee has confessed that ever since she met me, she has become more like me (?) I beg to differ but perhaps she has begun to follow some of my style (whatever that is)
Similarly, I have adopted several of Cass Lee's speech patterns such as the trademark, "Eeeeeediot!"

I don't know why, but I'm very easily influenced by other people's speech patterns and writing styles, (so sometimes, you might notice a change in writing style in this blog, because I have probably read some other person's blog before blogging thus adopting his/her writing style)
Cass Ng in the mean time follows other people's trademark gestures or expressions.
Lmao we're all such silly geese.

Cass Ng came over last night wooooo and freaked Ryan out when I started talking to him using her msn account :)
Cass Lee the eeeediot has yet to come over to my place NYEH :D
Had Spaggy-Ds and I totally forgot to tell Mum she doesn't eat beef. Sorry :x
AND I MISS HER SO SO MUCH :) I'll love you foreverrrr!
I really miss the good old days.
(where we always get in trouble together, it seems I'm such a black sheep here in my new school, why is everyone such dorks? :S)

The biggest retard in the whole world: Cass Ng

I love you! We really really REALLY need to get the whole clique together and I PROMISE I'll try my best to fight my way outta the house :)

And I am feeling guilty enough to start my work again, so byeeeeeeeeeeeee.

-10286
I should be ashamed of this, I'm not,
'Cause I have tasted grapes.
This smile, don't look.
It's my bait, my words, the hook.

Disappointment looks down.

2008-05-19T13:09:00.004+08:00

Firstly, I wanna thank everyone who was there for me last night.

My family had another one of those episodes.
Sighh
I don't get it, seriously I don't.

Apparently, I took a really long afternoon nap yesterday, from 3pm to 8pm, because for some reason I was really really tired and my body refuses to cooperate.
School has been draining, it starts early and ends insanely late, add in the fact that I live so far away, about 2 hours from school.
For those who're used to traveling a distance to school or work, you'd understand that even though all you do is sit in the trains or wait for the bus, traveling actually drains alot of your energy.
Especially restless naps in 30 min train rides, before you have to get out and board a different train to catch another 20 min nap.

So the weekends are usually for me to sleep in like crazy and catch up on my work, like I said, I hardly have a life, my schedule and parents restrict me from getting one, unfortunately.

Of course, occasionally when school ends earlier than usual, I might go over to a friend's place to chill and recently I laughed at Cass Lee's adorable baby Ashton.
Hahahaha SUPER CUTE I can't stand him and he's terrified of me. More of this later xD

Or else, I'd catch a movie once in a long long while, considering I'm perpetually lacking the $moneh$.

I woke up at 8 pm yesterday and proceeded to rush through my Immunology project which ALL OF US conveniently forgot. The deadline was midnight and ALL of my group mates were out.

HOW AMAZINGLY JINX CAN I GET HUH?

Hahahha yes they were all out, so I had to start doing it first. With Cass over the phone helping me out. We're truly amazing, really, completed it within 3 hours? or less actually caz I wasted alot of time doing unnecessary things on the laptop.

So yes, because of that, and because of the fact that I just woke up, I didn't take my dinner.
Mum and Dad came home soon after, and Mum started nagging herself into a fit.

"oh why DIDNT YOU TAKE YOUR DINNER HUH? what you do the whole day? NOTHING all you do is sleep, I slap your face arh, play the laptop so much sumore, I'll break it i tell you. harh? people cook so hard you dont eat, waste food only, might as well not cook right? studying? studying your head arh, u dont do anything, stop thinking so highly of yourself ok? you hang out with stupid people sumore la. all the arrogant rubbish people you also will be like that. good! you dont like them right? you're exactly like them. no respect for your parents, no shame huh you!"

And she nagged for 3 hours.
3 fecking hours.
I wanted to kill her.
Like SHUDDUP WOMAN SHUDDUPPPPP

I turned Corrine May up loud, I mean, it's not even a rock number, it's Corrine May.
And she screamed at me to turn it down.
I turned it down a little, but still loud enough such that I won't be able to hear her still.
And my door was closed. So HOW LOUD COULD IT HAVE SOUNDED FROM OUTSIDE?
But noooOOOOooo she decided to be a totally unreasonable bitch and wants me to turn it off.
How the fuck is me listening to music any of her business? I'm not waking up the neighbours, and the music is muffled from outside, so it's not bothering anyone?
What the hell is wrong with you, you stupid fecking anal bitchface?

At 12 midnight, after I've sent Cass the file to upload into the school's system, and just as I was talking to her over the phone, out of nowhere, my mum banged on my door.
I opened it, and she flung it wide open before she screamed at me to do the laundry. In the middle of the night.
Uhhh sure.

And so I said,

"Okay, I'll do it later after I'm done and before I go to bed."

"NO YOU DO IT NOW. I DONT CARE."

"Fine. Let me tell my friend first."

"NO, YOU DO IT NOW."

Ignoring her, I told Cass I had to go over the phone and hung up. I closed my laptop too because if anyone messes with anything I will break their face.

My mum just stared at me as I walked past her, ugh, what the HELL is her problem??
As I hung up clothes to dry, Mum nagged AGAIN to herself, repeating the same damn things over and over and over again and I felt like taking the wet clothes and stuffing it into her mouth to get some peace and quiet.

The more she nags, the more angry she gets, how stupid of her, and it got to the point where she made herself so angry, she decided to confiscate my laptop.

My laptop is my everything.
IF I'm not allowed to GO OUT at all, or talk over the phone with my friends, or basically have a life,
I want my laptop to keep me company.
This, was when I got mad.

Done with the chores, I returned to find my laptop missing, and it just burned a hole in me.
I knocked on the door. My parents locked themselves into their rooms.
I knocked again.

"Ma? MA? GIVE ME THE LAPTOP BACK. Geez. Ma? I need the laptop, give it back to me. I have things to finish up by tomorrow. MA! GIVE IT BACK, YOU WANT ME TO FAIL MY ASSIGNMENT IS IT?"

Mum opened the door and stared at me from under lowered lashes. She passed me the laptop. I have never loathed her more.

Firstly, you are psychotic because the first thing you do as soon as you come home is yell at me.

Secondly, the more you yell, the more you get angry, therefore YOU are making yourself angry and NOT ME.

Thirdly, when you nag, you nag about everything under the sun that is totally unrelated to whatever you're angry about at that point of time, making yourself more angry. Thus, I DO NOT MAKE YOU ANGRY, YOU DO IT YOURSELF. Maybe you should ground yourself?

Fourthly, you yell at me over the stupidest things. I skipped my dinner, mum. I DIDN'T TAKE DRUGS.

Fifth and lastly,
when you nag, it does not only drive me crazy.

It drives Dad crazy.

So Dad stormed outta the room, and cornered me in mine.
I was so angry, tears were running down my cheeks already, something I'm not happy about :/ and my breath was coming in hitches.

Dad stared at me.

"What?" I sobbed. UGH Stop crying you stupid girl -.-

"Why you make your mother angry huh? I told you already right? Your mother nag, you'll get it right?"

"But it's not my fault-"

"SHUT UP I DON'T CARE!" and his arm swings out to hit me. I turned to my side so he hit my shoulder. Ouch.

"You still say it's not your fault?!" my mum shrilled.

"I haven't been home-"

"SHUT UP I TELL YOU." Dad's arm swung again. I lifted my right arm to block it so now it hit me just below the shoulder.

What I wanted to say:
I haven't been home the entire weekday, so I rarely make a mess in the kitchen. I just forgot to wash a plate or a cup, as you have so nicely nagged about- IT'S JUST A COUPLA PLATES. And all I did was not eat dinner and LOOK WHAT YOU'RE DOING TO ME.

"I told you already right? I don't care if you're right or wrong. So long as Mummy nags, you will get it right? I don't wanna hear her nag."

"But she's the one-"

"YOU DON'T OPEN YOUR MOUTH, SHUT UP." and he hits me again.

"You better not lock the door or I'll dismantle the lock tomorrow."

With that, Dad left, in anger, I've stopped crying and stared at Mum with distaste for staring at me the entire time.

How dare you.
How dare you give me that condescending look and nag about how I think highly of myself? How dare you be so hypocritical? How dare you subject me to this bullshit when I am 18 fucking years old? (in 2 months)

and HOW DARE YOU SUCK AT PARENTING SO BAD?
GEEZ MUM I'm just a teen and I KNOW WHAT YOU'RE DOING WRONG.

Trust me if it was my brother, what would you have done?
You would have sat down and worry.
And talk nicely to him, Eat your dinner please? Cold already
Then look at me sadly and say, let's just wait till he cools down, he's too old already, I cannot do anything to discipline him already, it's up to him.

You put up with my brother's shit and utter rudeness, and constantly grovel to please him.
AND YET
I HAVE TO PUT UP WITH YOUR PSYCHOTIC UNREASONABLE SHIT?

YOU SUCK.

I stayed online till 4am again talking.
Thank you to all who listened to me cursing my parents.
Thanks Cassandra Ng and Lee, Ryan and Raphael.

You guys are awesome.

And I'm sorry for ranting, it gets extremely tiring and draining to deal with this over the smallest little shit, and how completely biased my parents can be.
I mean, I've let them run my life.
They are essentially living my life, I've done everything they want, and it's sickening to know that nothing's ever good enough.

Why am I groveling to please them when they are groveling to please my brother?

Sighh and after that something disturbing happened.
Let's hope it's not what I think it is, I'd rather be embarrassed with myself for being paranoid.

And I'm probably gonna blog again later to cover up this idiot post.

-10226
I don't like myself.

elle lingo.

2008-05-18T01:28:00.002+08:00

Five ways to understand Khalisah Tan on msn.

1) When she says "lmaaaaao" it means you've done a good jobbb! you've made her smileeeeee in front of the comp screen like a faggot!

2) When she says "lol" it means you've done a greaaaaat job at boring her. and she hates boring people! shes gonna delete you! ahhhhh!

3) When she goes "o_O" it means what the fuck boy what the fuck are you going on about you must be fucking out of your mind. yes along those words. prolly not as many fucks as ive used. :)

4) When she goes "uh ewww yes" it means shes serious that she hates chopstick boys wearing skinnies! im seriousss!

5) And finally when she says "hahahahahahaha" wooo she loves you because you've made her laugh out loud and only a few can do that. :)

The end. WOO.

I'm EXCITED.

2008-05-17T14:41:00.004+08:00

Incoming Advertisement on your Blog!
From: marketing@nuffnang.com.sg
Add contact
Sent:Friday, May 16, 2008 4:29:41 PM
To: elle-ay the sexeh bebeh

marketing@nuffnang.com.sg

Hi, Khalisah Tan B**** M******* I***** T**,

Congratulations!

An advertiser has chosen to advertise on The Elle And Ryan Blog.

The advertisement details are as follows:

Campaign:

Spring F&B Heroes

Week(s):

1. 18 May 2008 to 24 May 2008

Ad Unit:

Skyscraper (Top)

Please do not remove the Ad Unit from your blog during the period(s) of time above or you will not be paid the full amount for the ad.

If you have a Skyscraper Ad Unit, please ensure that it is placed high up in the sidebar or the advertiser may choose to withdraw the ad.

Thank you.

The Nuffnang Team

THIS IS A COMPUTER GENERATED E-MAIL, PLEASE DO NOT REPLY.

I AM SUPER HAPPY!

-10131
Worry looks around,
Sorry looks back,
Faith looks up.

111.

2008-05-13T22:49:00.003+08:00

111! cool.

and.

JACOB CHEW GET YOUR ASS BACK HEREEEEEEEEE. quit abstaining dood.

i have moobs. whoa.

p.s: alfred guy looks like joshua....or maybe its just the similar looking specs.